So, golf has been rained out, you’ve delegated every bit of work you could possibly do and you’re feeling a bit bored huh? Time to fire up your laptop device and treat the plebs to a few unflushable ego-nuggets.
Ensure that no one asked – first and foremost make sure not a living soul asked for your unsolicited advice. Remember you are not the kind of high-flying gigadick that would dish out free wisdom if you were asked. They couldn’t afford you.
Rather, you are bestowing on your inferiorlings a gift of immeasurable value. A blessing from their lord and saviour – you.
Write it like you’re Jesus – speaking of divine grace, you must write your clearly fictitious anecdote with the view of it being a parable. Just like the big JC liked to dish out.
Remember, there is always a profound meaning to the things you do. That’s why you allege to have given a homeless man a job interview or whatever unadulterated mind-wank you can come up with.
Drag your kids into the mess – there is no better way to endear yourself to unsuccessful people than to make them feel dumber than your 5 year old child. So include in your parable a quote from your kid-genius which completely affirms the shit you are spewing out.
“Mr 5 paused the sudoku he was mastering and looked up at me, “father, would you ever ask an employee to do something you would not? To which I replied, never son, it’s a core leadership principle to lead from the front. Mr 5 smiled, “I know, I was just testing you dad”, my kids hold me to account every day”
Subtly mention your wealth and status – given that you are making up this personal anecdote from scratch, it can really contain any detail you like. So find a way to establish your value as a leader by reference to some luxury shit you own.
Perhaps the owner of the Range Rover dealership let you borrow his luxury 4WD while yours was getting repaired because he heard about your equitable hiring policy and wanted to return the favour to a good man?
Perhaps an employee correctly identified you were wearing a Vacheron Constantin watch and you promoted him for “respecting your time”. You get the picture.
Feign some humility – shiteaters love it when you pretend to get down on their level. Makes them feel all warm & fuzzy inside. So include some relatable poverty-bait in your post. Perhaps mention feeling the crunch of the price of fuel?
However, remember to instantly follow any statement of relatability with reassurance that due to hard work and elite business practice you are swimming in dough and could easily afford it. Which is the meaning of your story all along. See? They’ll love that.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
