Home Hot Takes Reckons 5 Ways the Government Can Improve the Virus App

5 Ways the Government Can Improve the Virus App

It appears many Aussie citizens remain sceptical about the Government’s COVID-19 “tracing” app. Perhaps they should try the following:

Covidemon Go!

Instead of merely alerting us to the presence of an infected person why not follow the lessons learned from the Pokemon Go app? Hordes of self-respecting people were turned into mindless zombies beaming their exact location to an unfamiliar company.

No one gave a shit about privacy then. So, please just let us hunt down COVID infectees and then force them into a fight to the death over a gym. 

Add filters and shit

You average influencer would strap a homing beacon to their back if it promised to come with the latest filters for their photoshoots. Currently, the Government’s virus app has no filters and therefore is practically useless to growing an influencers “personal brand”. Good one, ScoMo. 

Furthermore, where is the competitive element? What kind of new app doesn’t at least have a like count. Again, once influencers can eye off a surgical mask endorsement they’ll be all over it like contagion on a cruise ship. 

Assure us those pesky hackers won’t get at it

Whether it be the 2016 Census or the roll-out of Jobseeker for the masses of recently unemployed the Government loves to blame hackers. How can we sleep easy knowing that the marauding pirates of the 7 internet seas are coming for us yet again!

Where is the humanity ScoMo? We’re frightened so just assure us we’re safe from these cyberpunks or admit that you habitually shit the bed with technology. Which may be what the majority believe. 

Link it to Facebook

If you want to shore up those numbers in the boomer population you are going to have to allow the app to spam their FB timelines with endless updates. “MARIA JUST EARNED 10 ANTIBODY POINTS!”

Then of course, you must allow boomers to be able to mass send invites to the app via messenger. If you think COVID-19 spreads fast, just wait until you’ve seen a boomer receive an unsolicited request to some bullshit in their inbox. Wild. Fucking. Fire. 

De-5G-ify it

The tin foil crowd are without questionable doubt going to be the hardest category to convince to download the app. Unless of course, one was to offer free access to Pete Evans’ magic light machine so they can remove 5G pathogens from their phones before using the app. 

See, 5G cancers can only exist in non-activated UV light. So just activate the light you fucking sheeple. How simple is that?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?