Ditch the alarm – a panicked feeling that races from your subconscious like an out of control train that you’re going to miss is the true alarm of champions.
Keep smashing snooze while you do the sleepy calculus of the unprepared bozo. Slowly subtracting morning tasks from your routine and leaving it to the very last minute to get out the door.
Exercise – the beauty of disrespecting your alarm is that you’ll be forced to rush. Enjoy this non-consensual cardio you are inflicting upon your body as you race to start your commute.
Even better, the intensity of this routine will naturally increase given the looming disciplinary measures facing you for your track record of unexplained lateness. Sweat it out!
Energise – having no doubt skipped breakfast your only salvation is a warm cup of liquid energy. Not only will caffeine jolt you out of your daze but it will give you 5 minutes to yourself.
Don’t stop there though. Keep smashing those coffees until you’ve worked yourself up into an anxious, quivering mess that looks like you’ve gone through the Event Horizon portal on DMT.
Purge – time to lock yourself away in the cubicle of sanctuary for 15 minutes and purge your body of every fluid you can. Releasing the pad thai Kraken and subsequently, crywanking is a fantastic way to multitask.
It is only after the purge that you are truly ready to work. To achieve your goals. To catch up because it’s about 10:30 am and you’ve done sweet farkall once again.
Visualise – visualising your goals is a powerful motivator. In a similar vein, visualising the brutal revenge you wish to have on your annoying coworkers can have a therapeutic benefit. Fantasise rather than act.
Remember, the aim of the game is to prevent another blow-out like the time at the X-Mas party when you “spoke your mind” and ended up in the Mariana Trench of HR trouble.
Delegate – this is the most important step and the exact extent of its usefulness to you will depend on your current position within your workplace.
However, it’s an age-old workplace philosophy that the quickest way to achieve a task is to handball it to a junior and let them know it’s their balls on the chopping board for it. It’s a simple act of passing the stressful energy to another being.
Naturally, you’ll still ultimately be responsible for it so after you’ve sowed your delegation seed be prepared to reap the inevitable consequences that are coming your way. Like a boss.
Pro tip: try to keep your long mac topped up pace to under 2 per hour.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a anxiety inducing coffee, ay?
