Yewww yourself warm
Switching to turbo mode is the undisputed best way to stay warm during a great Perf deluge or arctic snap. Allowing the spirit of the yew to enter you not only distracted you from the cold but leads to the kind of ingenuity Perf is famous for.
Wakeboarding at a park? Giving that unused snorkel on your Hilux a go in a flooded intersection? Going full Swayze into some surf? If it feels good do it. Not that you’d listen to any advice to the contrary anyway.
Break your blood oath and switch out those shorts
Even though you would push your own mother out of the way to get to a pair of shorts, you must concede that some days require a pair of trackies.
Don’t go crazy and wear your good Magistrate trackies, just that flogged out pair you pinched from Big W in 2014 – the ones that would cause mass blinding if a blue light was switched on within 2km of them.
Dress like you are heading to Mount Everest Base Camp
What do Patagonia, Kathmandu and The North Face of anything all have in common? You haven’t been there, pal. Your life may be like a booze, Netflix and Uber eatish Groundhog Day, but you sure as hell look active. Posing never looked so puffy.
Get into a Heated Argument about Climate Change
If you’re a Boomer climate change skeptic you know that the fact you had to use a heater this morning is irrefutable proof that climate change science is a load of horsefeed. After all, you’ve been through way more winters and don’t reckon it’s too bloody hot. Wake the sheeple up.
Going toe to toe with someone who still thinks all bushfires are caused by arson and that the bleaching of the Great Barrier Reef is no more alarming than Eminem’s 2000’s hair style is sure to raise your blood pleasure and get you hot under the collar.
Drive Like a Clown
You can get it braking, you get it skidding, you can get it ploughing through a house, a cold wet road needs a classic Perth act, and the Perthiest act is dogshit, dogshit-driving.
Fark knows how this keeps you warm, but with the number of people doing it, it must work?
Get a handful of Balingup’s finest mushies into your trip-hole and before you know it, you won’t remember how to use your phone let alone have a firm grasp of temperature.
Make sure you have friends around, and avoid the temptation to navigate South East Asia and end up on a Thai beach playing bongos.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?