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A Guide to Festival Season

1. Getting Your Rig in Order

Everyone knows the best way to trim down is to only eat out of Tupperware containers and drink tea-based beverages that turn your rectum into mount shit-suvius. Next is to get shredded at the gym. You may find you lose motivation, so keep uploading pics of your abs so everyone can bask in the glory of what a fucking hero you are. Fashion

2. Fashion

Girls – dress like a walking inspirational meme that is shared by the kinds of people who consider hashtagging to be their career strength. Essentially you are looking to strike a balance between faux-spirituality and actual stripping. Fellers – if your rig isn’t ready to go shirtless always remember that there are two types of people who wear Akubra hats: jackaroos and cunts. You know which one you are.

3. Plan your Photos

You didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on your outfit and ticket to not plaster the day all over social media. Make sure to take enough photos of yourself before the combined effects of MDMA and alcohol make you look like a victim of The Ring in every photo. Also, if you tend to dance like an epileptic frog with electrodes attached to its genitals, probably avoid those Snapchat vids. Oh, and girls, if you don’t get a photo of yourself on someone’s shoulders, you’ve fucking failed.

4. Fence Jumping

Couldn’t wrangle that credit card from dad? Your pyramid scheme not paying off like it used too? Not to worry, fence jumping is a festival tradition. Think of it like you are storming the beaches of Normandy and get behind some hefty units which look like they have the speed of our NBN network. They will be the first to be ensnared in the jaws of security, while you gallop to freedom like a frugal gazelle.

5. The Music

Make sure you listen to Triple J in the lead up to the festival so you can smugly swing your musical dick around when your group discusses which acts to see. Of course, none of it will really matter when you probably miss every single one of those acts because you’re too busy posing for photos or rambling like a mature aged student on dexies 2 minutes before the lecture finishes.

6. Wristband

In your defence, you have left no stone unturned on social media in letting people know you attended a music festival. However, what if someone doesn’t follow you? How will they know? Easy, just wear your wrist band for as long as possible. Even if it is covered in every regrettable bodily fluid from the day.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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