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A Guide to New Years Eve

Put the Night on a Pedestal 

The Earth has gone to all that effort of making a full rotation around the sun so you should spend hundreds on a night that fails to deliver so often, that it may as well be called AusPost.

The Mandatory 2019 Social Media Reflection

There are two #basic paths you can take on your reflection post. You can use it as a way to rub the smug-shit of your success in everyone’s face for one last time or alternatively, you can use it to simply blame “2019” on the fact you made less progress than Margaret Court’s PR team.

Bore People with Your #newyearnewme Resolution

If the entirety of 2019 wasn’t long enough to become a better person, the 1 day jump to 2020is all you will need to completely change. The key is convincing other people you are going to stick to your bullshit, so keep them on the edge of their seats about your plans to sign up to a gym or open a fucking savings account. You’re a total inspiration.

Snapchatting the Countdown is More Important than Experiencing It

If you couldn’t get over the excitement of a room full of people counting to 10 and then yewing fear not, because every single story on your Snapchat and Instagram will be a blow by blow account of it, some might even include fireworks. That is essentially how the countdown will be spent, millions of people filming footage that no one will ever want to watch. Killin’ it.

Getting Home

Better start sucking up to that boring, non-drinking friend you normally avoid like a warm patch in a public pool. Ubers will be sur-chaaaarging like Benny Cousins on day 3 and Taxis have no doubt added another button that quadruples your fare for no reason. You could try Perth’s famous public transport system if you are prepared to enter the mobile UFC octagon cage which will ultimately leave you stranded at a closer, yet equally inconvenient location to your abode. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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