Make an involuntary donation to the Government
Dun, dun dun dundundun… you can get it flouting, you can get it congregating, you can get it dodgin’ quarantine, you can get it trying to duck down South, a selfish fucking attitude needs a big, hefty fine – and a matter of fact you deserve one now. Be sure to lament this unforeseeable financial tragedy later, you’ll find people are real sympathetic…
Complain nothing is open
Every year you complain about nothing being open on public holidays but this time you’re right. Relish in the glory of a valid whinge as you stay home in your den of boredom. Make sure to let everyone know that you told ’em so.
Lose yourself in the abyss of gluttony
There isn’t much else to do other than stuff your gullet like a French goose farmer. Of course, this is the gameplan every year but this time it’s different – there is no pressure to fit into your going out clothes anytime soon. Be the disgusting pig you so sorely want to be.
Make a killing on booze this Good Friday
In the turbulent sea of ill-prepared alcoholics, you shine like a lighthouse of opportunistic price gouging. Load up on some extra piss today and wait for the inevitable mouth-breathing dugongs to wash up on the shore of the Perth Beer Economy and offer their first born for a carton of that sweet, sweet Emu Export.
Line up for fish & chips to satisfy your nagging catholic guilt
Sure, you wouldn’t normally line up for 2 hours to get a seat at Kailis Fish & Chips, but this isn’t like other days, it’s Good Friday, and for fuck knows what reason you are choosing to honour a tradition of a religion you don’t really observe. Jokes on Jesus though, you love lining up, any excuse will do! This year the line will be 1.5X longer too. Yay.
Tear the house down with a ham sandwich zinger
Remember that time you posted an atheist meme and it literally blew the undies off every single female in a 5km vicinity? Well, wait until you post a photo of your half gnawed, packet Dorsogna ham sandwich – you’re a free thinker, no religion tells YOU what to do, man.
Bin Day Roulette
This is Christmas all over again. Join the rest of your neighbours as you collectively lose your shit at the council’s inability to honour your sacred bin day. Didn’t Jesus die for our bins? While you’re waiting for order to be restored, have a game plan for those prawn shells – lest you stink up your street like John West’s reject pile… again.
Ensure your house is egg-hunt safe
Look it’s not a crime to indulge in some substances or get a bit weird in the bedroom during these crazy, boring times. However, if you are planning to treat your kids to an egg hunt make sure they don’t find daddy’s little pegging kit.
Avoid the virus
That’s right, play everyone’s favourite game at the moment – avoiding contracting COVID-19. It’s like a game of tag except worse. Thanks to congregation, flouters and quarantine dodgers the stakes are higher than ever.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?