1. Double demerit blaze of glory
It might be Easter, but if you are a degenerate who likes to hang an arm out your shit-kicker-chariot it’s more like fucking Christmas – wet roads, baby. Put that pedal to the metal as you do skiddies to forget about having to raise your kiddies, sure you’ll probably lose your licence, but it’s not like that’s ever stopped you before.
2. Make a killing on booze this Good Friday
In the turbulent sea of ill-prepared alcoholics, you shine like a lighthouse of opportunistic price gouging. Load up on some extra piss today and wait for the inevitable mouth-breathing dugongs to wash up on the shore of the Perth Beer Economy and offer their first born for a carton of that sweet, sweet Emu Export.
3. Line up for fish & chips to satisfy your nagging catholic guilt
Sure, you wouldn’t normally line up for 2 hours to get a seat at Kailis Fish & Chips, but this isn’t like other days, it’s Good Friday, and for fuck knows what reason you are choosing to honour a tradition of a religion you don’t really observe. Jokes on Jesus though, you love lining up, any excuse will do!
4. Tear the house down with a ham sandwich zinger
Remember that time you posted an atheist meme and it literally blew the undies off every single female in a 5km vicinity? Well, wait until you post a photo of your half gnawed, packet Dorsogna ham sandwich – you’re a free thinker, no religion tells YOU what to do, man.
5. Join the Western Suburbs migration Douth
To get away from Perth, one must sit in bumper to bumper Perth traffic, to enjoy a weekend down south surrounded by so many people from Perth, they may as well rename Dunsborough, South-Cottesloe. Enjoy constant games of vehicular Tetris as the hordes of weekend warrior’s show what their luxury 4wd’s can do in those winery car parks.
6. Do nothing
You’ve made over 15 FB posts asking people what’s open. Could they be ignoring you because despite your glaring inadequacies they reckon you would probably handle a Google search? Nah, it’s just like you reckoned, nothing is farken open, and even if it was, there’s no way you’re paying a surcharge. Best to just sit in your depressing hovel and lament how much you hate public holidays.
7. Bin Day Roulette
This is Christmas all over again. Join the rest of your neighbours as you collectively lose your shit at the council’s inability to honour your sacred bin day. Didn’t Jesus die for our bins? While you’re waiting for order to be restored, have a game plan for those prawn shells – lest you stink up your street like John West’s reject pile… again.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
Or PayPal if you’d prefer…