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A Guide to UFC Perth

1. Fashion

Embrace Magic Johnson-chic: athletic but no one will want to fuck with you. Deck yourself out in Big W’s finest selection of Tap Out gear, get those double demerit tatts on display and rock a haircut that would offend a Hillarys’ Taverns dress code. 

2. Preparation 

Early bird gets that worm, early being 6:30am and the worm being another bourbon-induced notch on your criminal record belt. Early for a drink, you say? Not if you haven’t slept it isn’t. Spend the previous day charging that pipe like Kelly Slater at the Billabong Masters.

3. Know Your Shit

Hey, you’ve purchased every pay-per-view event and own a pair of Muay Thai shorts from your 1 week “training” in Thailand. It is safe to say you are an expert, at least you’d hope so because if that bet doesn’t come through all your misso is getting for Valentine’s Day is sex so depressing she’ll definitely want to tap out. 

4. Stadium Photoshoot 

If you don’t pose with your dickhead mate making fist gestures then did you even go to the UFC? Remember it’s not illegal to bring a weapon into the event if you ARE the weapon. Let Perth know. 

5. Post Fight Brawl 

Watching the professionals reminds you of what an elite fighter you are, so like a urologist you are going to make a cunt piss, and he ain’t a child support payment so you ain’t going to miss.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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