BREAKING: great day to be embroiled in a scandal as Queen’s passing saturates news cycle 

The nation’s public figures and trainwrecks have seen a fantastic opportunity to run amok given there is buckley’s chance of their shenanigans breaking through the intense media saturation today. 

We spoke to a high-profile businessman who has done his best to behave all years but figures it’s time to do what he does best. He told The Times,

“Got a little pesky ASIC investigation that’s going to be made public sooner or later, what better time than today when newsrooms are pumping out 50 articles about the queen every hour”

Similarly, an athlete has decided that if he’s going to get caught doing bags and having a toilet root it may as well be today, adding,

“I like my chances of getting away with it. Our team’s done for the year and to be honest, it’ll be a footnote at best. My time to shine”

Another washed up media personality shares the sentiment and told The Times,

“Pass the Nurofen! They would rather write another 20 articles about that rainbow over Buckingham Palace than one on a washed-up war horse snorting some ibuprofen”

Public figures are expected to be in the “safe zone” for at least a week as the Queen’s passing news cycle is only heating up. 

Naturally, there is one key proviso with members of the Flagmantle team told the immunity will not pass to them. A key PR specialist told The Times,

“Yeah look, Flagmantle might have what it takes to break through the saturation so they should focus on keeping it professional. Anyone else though, go fkn nuts”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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