The atmosphere was undeniably tense when the marketing team for a mid-tier Perth firm prepared to head off for a lunch outing to celebrate a new employee joining them.
Unsurprisingly, the team consisted of several individuals who aren’t particularly stoked to be working together let alone have any desire to spend their free time together.
Rebecca recently missed out on a pay rise after asking for the same salary as Brett. As for Brett, he can’t stand the sight of Britney at the moment over an ongoing office temperature dispute.
The usual rock in the group, Ash is also off-kilter after Britney snitched him out for using the office photocopier to do up some flyers for a garage sale he was having. Needless to say, if this lot was stuck on an island it would descend into Battle Royale within seconds.
Picking up on the underlying tension, manager Carly, who was responsible for at least 30% of the simmering angst reminded everyone that she’d be putting the bill on the company card. She told us,
“Once everyone knew the meal was going to be free for them they managed to crack a smile. I reckon it’s the first time I’ve seen Brett smile in a month. He’s really pissed about the temperature in the office. Probably 1 degree off going postal if you know what I mean”
Yes, the guarantee that the company card would be swiped brought a strange truce to the group. As they ordered meals they normally wouldn’t fork out for and indulged in a second alcohol beverage on the company’s dime.
We spoke to Rebecca who told us,
“Look, if I’d paid for that seafood marinara I would’ve probably stuck the fork through Carly’s eye after it. Why does Brett get paid more than me? He spends his day listening to Joe Rogan podcasts and crop dusting the office! Keto level crop-dusting man”
Between the first and second pint, Ash actually forgot he poured saltwater on Britney’s desk plants for snitching him out. He told us,
“Life’s pretty good when work buys us lunch. It’s nice to momentarily forget about what Judas did to me. I even added an extra patty & bacon to my burger. Get farked if I would’ve done that if I was forced to pay to dine with these people – and I use the word people very loosely”
Indeed, things were going smoothly until Carly had to leave the lunch early after getting a call from senior management. In her haste, she forgot to leave the company card behind and was unreachable in the painful moments when the bill arrived.
Oh boy. With each team member forking out about $55 you could only imagine the tension on the walk back to the office. There will be blood.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?