In an inspired attempt to retain shareholder confidence, the CEO of F45 has scheduled a video conference at 5 am to address the crisis facing the company.
Noting, holding the CEO’s address at a normal time would be totally against the ethos of the brand. A spokesperson for F45 told The Times,
“What could be smugger than dealing with business before lazy, softbodies have even got their fat arses out of bed? This is the kind of powermove our shareholders demand from us”
Not only will the special CEO address begin at 5 am but the entire executive team will be posting pre-address selfies from 4 am. The spokesperson continued,
“Yeah we’ve hired a team of inspirational quote writers to really give these boardroom selfies the edge. It’ll mostly just be the executives flexing and carrying on like a goose at a pond party”
We spoke to a shareholder who lost a fair bit of coin when the shares plunged. She said she welcomed the 5 am CEO address, adding,
“Whether it’s personal workouts or investor communication, we are better than everyone. Sure the stock price doesn’t reflect that but F45 self-assurance has never been grounded in reality, it’s the belief we are better than everyone that gets us through the day”
The CEO is expected to face 10 sets of hard 5-minute questioning before a quick break. At which point the shareholders will yell positive feedback about his performance before getting back into the nitty gritty.
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