On the diseased seas of social media, FB floats like a mighty cruise liner full of boomers, cretins and middle-aged women personifying the essence of a generic live, laugh & love poster from K Mart. 

Friday afternoon rolls around and Samara is 4 glasses of bottom shelf bubbly down and feeling friskier than old McDonald when Mrs McDonald’s rains were ‘ere. She begins her online bullshit with updating her friends on what alcoholic beverage she is consuming.

Given she posts one of these nearly every day, it’s hard to tell whether her more pressing problem is alcoholism or her inability to stop posting about alcohol, she applies a tragic bunny filter to her selfie and hits em with a little woo, “suns out, works done, be rude not to!!!! 😛 😛 :P”

Once home, her husband has surprised her with the finest pre-made generic antipasto platter Coles were willing to slap a discount sticker on. He’s even managed to create a little bit of atmosphere in the outdoor area by cleaning up some dogshit and turning off the Christmas lights he put up in 2009. It’s like you’re actually sitting by the Italian Riveria.

Samara takes a photo of the romantic gesture and detonates a cringe bomb that will leave her children desperately clawing at their eyes as they deal with the pain of the ocular damage caused,

“This one’s a bit or orrright!!! Hehehe, bit of wine and cheeseee and this girls all yours my hunk!!!! glad I waxed my hoo haa hehehhe!!! Meow meow meow hahahahahha xoxoxooxoxoxl”

After making their bedsprings want to top themselves, Samara wakes up to a whole new day full of middle-aged social media opportunities. She leads into the morning strong with by doing a quiz that says she’s 90% smart & 93% sexy. She shares the results which cause this quiz to spread faster than a herpes breakout at a Bunbury family Christmas. 

Next on the agenda is to share a god awful meme about coffee – the cornerstone of the middle-aged social media morning scene. She adds her personal touch, “DONT even TRY to TALK to me beofre my MORNINNG COFFEEE!!! GRRRRR”. It does devastatingly well. Yielding hundreds of likes. 

Sadly, the cup of Blend 43 has failed to cure her wine hangover and her mood begins to deteriorate. Languishing in self-afflicted misery she decides to stir the pot in a local community group she is a part of.

She posts a comment in that obnoxious large colourful square, “what are all yous sooky lalas going to do with jobseeker gets cut down… awww mabe get off ya bums n work….yeah sure…. Always fruit picking!! Jus sayin!!!!!”

A very different sentiment to the “BE KIND” photo she has in her FB banner. She then spends her Saturday by wisely arguing with every dissenting opinion on her post. Feeling the undeniable force of a backfire, she deletes the sad troll attempt and posts another, “wat happnd to everyones sense of humour aiii?”

To round off a perfect weekend on the ‘book, Samara shares a missing dog post – “aw so sad poor doggo lets help find him!!!!”. Of course, the only problem being the post was circulating from 2017. From North Hampshire in England. Good work Samara. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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