Terry Toughcunt – Terry is the toughest kent behind a keyboard and pops up on articles regarding violent crime. That home invading crackhead better not choose Terry’s dwelling next, or he will batter them so badly his wife will to ask to speak to the manager of the fish and chip shop.
He delights in dreaming up twisted vengeance methods, “let’s just say I’d hook his balls up to me Hills Hoist, attach me car battery and play ring around the raw-dicksie”.
No penalty is ever tough enough for him either. Be it a jaywalking, tax fraud or a murderous ice fuelled rampage, the penalty is always the same. Often remarks that courts are soft.
The Expert – No matter what subject, the expert reckons a bunch of highly specific shit about it. Generally, they pop up in regards to animal behaviour, responses to natural disasters and Government policy.
If you are lucky, the expert has at least plagiarised the first Google search they’ve come across. If you are unlucky then those reckons have spewed directly out of their ever open valve of shit. Typically, they have achieved less in life than a digestive system at a corn kernel party.
Mrs Someone Think About the Children – If offence culture had a face, it would be a suburban mum trying to start up a petition in a comment section to ban the sexualisation of toddler shoes with slightly raised heels on them.
You can pick this commenter out a mile away as she normally has better spelling from her mummy blogging (not always though). More importantly, she is the one that usually makes you want to punch a hole through your screen the most.
The “Why don’t they build more hospitals or schools?” Commenter – This commenter is on the lookout for any article that discusses investment or expenditure by any level of Government. They will carefully consider the pros and cons of the proposal and then counter with an idea of their own, typically, how about you put that money into building more bloody hospitals?
In their world, there should be a hospital on every street and a school on every block. Do they understand how budgets work? Probably not. Is it worth telling them that certain money is allocated for certain Government tasks? Definitely not.
The FIFO / Tradie – Everything is fark all mate. From your working conditions to the current weather, this commenter has had it harder than nailing a headshot on Jaws in Goldeneye 64.
For someone so battle-weathered they are mighty sensitive and will instantly call you jealous of their repossessed assets and 2-week coward punching benders. Oh, and don’t mention mining company hiring policy or you’ll unlock No.7 on the list.
The Caps Lock Crusader – The Caps Lock Crusader can come in many forms. However, the best Caps Lock Crusaders know that the unadulterated caps lockery is essential to hammer home the ever-important point you are trying to make. Consistency nor discretion are tools of their trade.
“oi Jetstar i BOOKED my ticket 2 WEEKS ago and yous still haven’t sent out an itinerary, NOT HAPPY!!!!”
Note how you wouldn’t have understood the sentiment unless it was punctuated like a type-writer with tourettes?
The Conspiracy Theorist – it seems no matter how arbitrary a piece of news is these days, there is some cooker who REALLY knows what’s going on. This is depite said cooker haveing absolutely 0 idea of whats going on in their own lives.
Perth not getting the rain it was forecast? Global conspiracy of cloud seeding! Woolies out of eggs? Yolks are being replaced with your 6th booster shot! There is quite literally no bottom to their Mariana Trench of paranoia and lack of critical thinking. FOLLW THE MONEY!
The “This is Not News” Commenter – Truly paradoxical in nature, this irate commenter fails to understand that if people stopped giving oxygen to crap stories then those crap stories would cease to be published.
Of course, the “this is not news” commenter extends their hatred from frivolous fluff stories to anything they are not currently interested in. They truly believe news channels should consult them beforehand.
The Devil’s Advocate Commenter – Typically, the Devil’s Advocate commenter will harbour some pretty heinous views. However, experience has shown them that expressing their cretinous views can lead to internet humiliation.
Instead, the Devil’s Advocate will argue with anyone and prevent views they claim not to agree with, however, based on their intense persistence, you can bet they probably do believe in them.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
