An aspiring fast food TikToker can’t believe he is finally living the dream – stuffing his face with daily loads of processed filth all in the name of an easy career living off the occasional free feed.
After a few months in the game, he’s already begun to fear the judgmental reflection of mirrored surfaces. His thiccness is creeping up on him faster than he thought. Oh well, a TikTok career must come first.
This week alone, he’s spent over $300 on shit like Maccas, KFC and a milkshake with more sugar than Willy Wonka’s jizzshot. In return, he got a free small chips for agreeing to post a review. You have to spend money to make money! He told The Times,
“I haven’t chucked a clean shit in 3 months mate. Every time, my toilet looks like the scene of some ghastly mudslide wreaking havoc on a small village. I’ve also begun to snore when I’m awake but guess what, I’m getting a free feed at a new burger joint in exchange for an obviously favourable review”
His local GP is less optimistic about the new career path, telling The Times,
“Ideally, we’d advise patients to enjoy fast food very occasionally. A treat. Not twice a day and especially not 4 additional snack reviews too. He tells me that you have to feed the algorithm but I think he’s feeding an early case of type 2 diabetes”
Naturally, the young man disregarded the doctor’s concerns. Claiming that the 400 daily metres he clocks up on his Fitbit is doing more than enough to combat his new lifestyle. He told The Times,
“I get my steps in and then after work I’m ready to go to town on whatever new piece of shit Hungry Jacks is offering. The people NEED to know. They rely on me to tell them whether a new flavour of Smith’s chip taste like fkn arse”
We all wish the young man good luck.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?