Flagmantle fan bans all non-supporters from footy shindig after conceding he can’t be held responsible for his actions if it all goes wrong

In a move some within his circle are calling “extreme”, Bryan has officially banned anyone who doesn’t bleed purple from his party tonight. 

In a slightly unhinged group chat message this morning, Bryan told his friends,

“Had a think about it and this evening means too much for Freo to have the waters muddied by scum doggies or West Coast supporters. This is a special moment for us. I know who you all are so don’t even try to darken my doorstep with your shadow”

A doggie’s supporting mate told him to pull his head in and that it wasn’t right that he should be discriminated against for the colour of his footy flag. Bryan was quick to respond,

“Look mate, I’m just not emotionally equipped if it goes bad tonight. I really can’t guarantee your safety if you look at me with your stupid bloated bulldog face if Flagmantle’s journey ends”

It was this extra explanation that helped everyone understand where Bryan was coming from. After all, this is the man who locked himself in his bathroom for 3 hours crying in the shower after Docker’s ill-fated 2013 grand final. 

A long time friend of Bryan’s side-messaged him and asked if it was cool to bring this girl he’d met. Promising that she didn’t go for the Doggies or West Coast. 

We understand Bryan considered the request but after a brief search of her social media he found 3 references to “sportsball”. Bryan told The Times,

“Oh hell no. That’s worse than a wet toast flog. I told him she will also be denied entry. You gotta understand I’m putting on homemade sausage rolls that mum made. You think a non-Flagmantle peasant is going to get their hands on one?

We understand that Bryan’s wife will also not being in attendance after he was forced to cut ties with her earlier this week for goading him about the forecast at the time.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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