Ms Healing Crystals

Kelly drifts off into a daydream after a heavy session of DMT. She sees a man clutching his chest on a plane. A distressed passenger screeches, “is anyone here a doctor?”

Kelly jumps up, “we need to perform open-minded surgery immediately, take off his pants”. There is no time to measure his aura, so she grabs a blue crystal and shoves it up his chakra so ferociously the milk of his prostate is churned into relief-butter.

Kelly is suddenly woke. She had healed the man! With god damned crystals! Well no, the sloppy cheeseburg of a man just had another clash with the S.S indigestion.

Nevertheless, move aside logic, she was no longer kelly, she was Soul Bird, and her mission was to travel the globe and spread positivity like a disease during a game of Marco Polio at an anti-vaxxer’s pool party.

A quick Google search dampened her spirits, travel was expensive, and she was way too busy reading horseshit articles about alternative medicine on the internet to get a job. She pauses and thinks, what would David “Avocado” Wolfe do?

Boom. She sets up a Go Fund Me page asking for $25,000, so she can embark on her mission of mercy. Oh gosh, she hopes the money comes through as she just picked up a new bottle of stalagmite dust from an internet Shaman that she believes can cure the housing crisis in Syria.

Her mission statement is so soppy that it makes Love Actually look like a snuff film. Regardless, a few Winnie the Cuntbears throw her $5 in the hope of getting into her honey jar, but for the most part, she is bombarded with outrage and ridicule.

Spiritually bankrupt heathens who don’t share in Soul Bird’s vision. Geez, do you think Doctors Without Borders cop this shit when they ask for donations?

She manages to pull in enough for a ticket to Bali. She feels she can enrich the lives of the disenfranchised Balinese with some incense and a handmade Oracle Deck.

What’s an Oracle Deck? It’s like Magic: The Gathering cards, just for moon-units who sorta believe in actual magic.

In Bali, she has no idea why the locals in Ubud aren’t realising their own potential through her unsolicited life coaching. In fact, the only time they seem to look like they are living their dream is when she scooters the hell out of their beloved region.

She leaves a trail of WTF in her wake, but her social media accounts are popping. She is totes the most popular spiritual traveller on Instagram and after she uploads some pictures of her pretending to help at that orphanage she will take over Flickr too.

In reality, there is only one crystal that can dramatically change your health, and it seems like Soul bird is smoking a ton of it.