G’day Keifo here. Not surprisingly, I deal with dumb dogs every day and it has become my mission to replace the shit between your ears with some lessons from the school of hard knocks. Today, getting a kutz returno on yas tax. 

Getting Advice – roight, firsts things first, you don’t go to some pencil-dick accountant that graduated from some gender neutral leftard university where they are taught they are precious little snowflakes and can use any toilet they want. Or something. 

Deadset, I’d knock a cunny like that out. Yeah, so nah, all the real advice you need is from the seasoned professionals sitting around your nearest wet mess drinking tinnies and sharing their tax wisdom.

It’s particularly important to get the impressionable youngsters clued in, they are as dumb as dog shit and need your help. Furthermore, they probably have brand-spanking receipts for tools they bought. Tell the little shit-eels that you’ll keep the receipts safe for them. You can never have too many legitimate receipts in your possession.

Claiming – anyone who isn’t a little bitchboy knows that you can never claim too many deductos. Those ATO mutts are useless, never stepped foot on a real work site in their life, so they know fark all, roight?

For example, I claimed the $800 of excess data I racked playing Candy Crush on the bog last year. I also tell the dogs that I launder me Hi-Vis nightly. They eat it up like Gina Rinehart at a Pizza Hut buffet.

Now, you may’ve read that those bean-counting softcocks are targeting driving claims. Just hit em with the old Paraburdoo switcheroo – and swap your poorly filled out logbook with some diligent flogs log book (usually some sparky that is too worried about how much hair gel he can claim ha ha ha puuusssy). A few cheeky changes and yous will be roight as rain.

Getting audited – aw sooky la la is scared of getting audited. Harden up you weak prick. I’ve been doing this for 35 years and have only been audited 12 times, and of those 12 times, I’ve only been threatened with a criminal record 9 times. However, if you do find yourself having to account for your expenses then just make the act of auditing you as unpleasant as possible.

Insist on face to face meeting and staunch that little suit & tie turd until your point is made. Make his life even harder by delivering all your receipts in a filthy box covered in red dirt, ciggy ash and whatever food matter you were eating while organising your big box of shit. Make him think he’s going to get hepatitis by even looking into your finances ha ha.

Spending your return – if you followed my advice you should be racking in at least a $5k tax return. I always like to tell the fellers at work that I got twice as much, just to remind them which dog pisses the hardest on site.

Now, remember, the money you get back on tax is mythical, free money, it’s like that lion from Narnia shat out gold coins for you, it’s only to be used for shit you think is grouse and NEVER for the debt that is crippling your life.

This year I’m going to do a Bali themed makeover on that property that I falsely claimed as an investment property. Whatever is left I’ll be pumping through Crown Casino when I go in to launder the stacks I made from all those cashies (don’t tell those dogs at the ATO ha ha)

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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