Lament your depressing office life
Just like the Freo Dockers, your disappointing progress in the league of life has you missing all the fun at the end of winter. Remember January 1? When you promised to break free from the prison walls of your cubicle and live your best life? Well, look at you now, looking out the glass like an Orca at Seaworld. Keep the sobbing to a minimum.
Call in sick
Just because you are an office pleb doesn’t mean you aren’t a beautiful flower waiting on the casting couch for a good injection of vitamin D. Take matters into your own hands and chuck a sickie. Now, don’t bother trying to oversell your sickness on the phone as any claim that you feel sick on a 28-degree day is getting filed directly into the bullshit cabinet. Just do what needs to be done.
Flaunt your deluded unemployed life
So, you’ve decided to bask in the warm attention of Instagram while all the salty jelly-bishes bob around you in the sea of employment. Jokes on them right? Surely the only reason you don’t have to work is that you have more sponsors than an AA convention. Couldn’t possibly be related to living at home and working some soul-destroying weekend job #whatwinter #hehe
Rain on the parade
You can get it FIFO’ing, you can get it Farming, you can get it bringing up climate change, a nice sunny day needs a big cold parade rain, and the best parade rain is your bitterness. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just make everyone feel like enjoying a sunny day is tantamount to taking the small ferry to Epstein Island. You know what to do.
Be English
On the one hand, you might win the Ashes, on the other hand, once the mercury tips 28 you turn redder than Macaulay Culkin after disturbing a beehive in My Girl and you’re sweating like John Wayne Gacy after coming home to find the Renovation Rescue crew in his living room. It’s a beautiful god damn temperature, sort your shit out. You’re making us all uncomfortable.
Give the City2Surf Shirt a Rest Today
It’s customary to wear your City2Surf shirt every day on your lunch time run through the city every day for at least 10 years. However, why not give the people what you really want. Go on, pop that shirt off. You know you’ve been itching to show people your steamed chicken & broccoli abs for several months. No one will think you’re a flog. Promise.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
