Hyde Park To Cop A Pounding After “Private Gatherings 😉” Over 10 People At Residences Banned

Inner North residents are being warned to exercise caution around Hyde Park from Thursday as the new restrictions limiting gatherings to 10 persons means the socialist-style tag teamers will be moving their parties outside where the limit is much higher.

A spokesperson for the police told The Bell Tower Times,

“We have intercepted correspondence and the intelligence tells us there is some good MD going around so there will be 1000s of these parties relocated to Hyde Park during the duration of the restrictions. We’ll do our best to police it but it’s hard when you’re trying to hide the growing meat python in your pants”

We spoke to Troy who had a lovely little 11 person fuckathon planned for Thursday evening. He told us,

“It was a tough call, it was kind of a convenient excuse to tell Craig to piss off. He always comes in hot wearing way too much Joop. Ruins the mood ya know, but then we thought, that’s not the life we chose. There’s a code to this”

Troy appeared to be getting a little excited talking about his plans and slowly began playing a bit of pocket billiards while he continued, 

“So, rather than ditch Craig from the invite list we thought we’d host the night outside in Hyde Park. A lot of us have got our start there anyway, plus the open air will help dilute some of his pungent stank”

Similarly, residents from neighbouring Subiaco townhouses decided rather than trim their guest list, they’d greatly expand it and join parties for a 25 person gangy-B and turn Hyde Park into Cumamunda wet and wild. 

Although not everyone in the multifuckverse is thrilled with the plan. Hyde Park regulars aren’t thrilled to be sharing their turf with the expected influx of toey leisure seekers. 

Tom* who has been seeking chance encounters at Hyde Park for years told us, 

“Can’t stand these fancy swinging types. They’ll come in thinking they own the joint just because they arrived in a Range Rover and don’t have to go home and lie to the wife”

Anyone enjoying Hyde Park from Thursday is advised to proceed with caution and for the love of god wear shoes. 

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