The Set-Up

You will not be forgiven for making your mates crowd around an old 30-inch television with a thicker backside than Winnie the Pooh after failing to outrun the bees after a honey tree raid. If you don’t have the setup, don’t put your hand up. Ideally, you’ll arrange a projector – don’t believe the lies your last Tinder date told you, size does matter.

The Food

Your ability to cook on your own BBQ reflects directly on your worth as a human. A hot plate isn’t the Gulf of Mexico, and you ain’t BP, so ease up on that oil. If the once succulent matter needs to be identified via dental records you will be judged as the neglectful drunk you are. Furthermore, it’s Australian bylaw that someone brings a cob loaf and then fishes for compliments about it all day.

Leftovers Corner

In the bathroom of life, you’ll always have to deal with a disgusting build-up of scum in the corner. Make sure you set up a table away from the main pack for all social-terrorists that find their way to your BBQ. People who only brought a 6-pack, people who keep asking which team just scored and worst of all the partners of mates who “don’t like sports”. What are they doing at your BBQ? Fuck knows, but apply the CLR cold civility and don’t let them drag you down.

Half-Time Entertainment

Dust off the footy and get far too competitive over a game of king of the pack. Now, taking a hanger off your girlfriend’s back may not seem like a good idea, but after knocking back the better part of a 30 block, it sure does. Remember backyard footy is serious and you’re playing for sheep stations like you were a horny Kiwi.

Try to give a shit about the result

Richmond v Geelong. Ew. It could be worse though, you could have been subjected to constantly seeing Eddie in the crowd turning his jocks into a supermarket dairy aisle. In situations like this, it’s best to pick a side out of spite. You will find this the most powerful motivator to do anything.

The Aftermath

If your team loses, remember that you will never be hurting as much as your fiscally irresponsible mate who lost all 3 multis he put on for the day. For you, it’s just a game, for him it’s Aldi canned food and a grovelling phone call to the parents for rent money next month.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?