In 1983, Indomie set out to release a range of instant noodles that could bring the exotic flavours of traditional mie goreng to shithole sharehouses everywhere. What they created however was the methamphetamine of instant snacks.
Not only are these spicy little packets addictive but they have about the same amount of nutrition as a bag of shards. Nevertheless, when you’re $500 down for the week on another ridiculous multi bet and just sucked back your 5th bong, health is the last thing on your mind.
Despite being cheap as shit, a major reason for their popularity is the fact they give you 5 flavour packets to play with. For a person who has barely mastered cooking chicken ovenables in life, this makes one feel like a 3 Michelin star super chef.
Back to the topic of bongs, don’t forget the filthy scissors you’ve used to chop your bud for the last 4 years. You’ll need those to perform the hardest part of this cooking process. Like a surgeon, one must cut the 3 liquid sachets open. Tricky stuff.
Traditionally, the sticky scissors and top of the sachets will then be left on the sink to attract ants or whatever filth is lurking in your disgusting kitchenette. Marco Pierre White wouldn’t have to clean up his own sink so why should you, chef? Also, you have instant noodles to somehow cook badly.
Of course, true Indo-purists just can’t get past the fact they are eating an Indo dish without an impoverished waiter being forced to call them boss. To some, the secret ingredient in noodles is servitude – you just can’t get that slaving away over your own pot. Or microwave if you’re a really egregious piece of shit.
In terms of moderation, one must look at these snacks like they would digital penetration. One is for beginners, two will leave you fulfilled and three or more is for the kind of person you wouldn’t take home to meet your mother.
Rather than turning your arteries into a salt farm, devotees of Mi Goreng always believe they have a little hack to improve the taste. There are no prizes for adding an egg as it’s on the front of the pack. Similarly, there are no prizes for adding disgusting frozen vegetables in a desperate bid to convince yourself that you’re living your best life.
It’s remarkable that given your total lack of Indonesian flavour knowledge that you can so effortlessly improve these little packets of fuck-yeah. You’ll be wondering why the team at Indomie didn’t think to add your special blend of Coles brand BBQ sauce and crushed up Twisties.
The only possible answer being, they mustn’t have tried your take on this struggle town classic. If they had, it’d be rolled out next week. Mi Goreng – Cooked Cunt Flavour. Surely.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?