The most important thing to remember when you encounter a Range Rover in the wild is to get out of the way. Unless your kid is enrolled at the same Montessori or you’re a member of the same golf club, it’s very unlikely the driver will value your life. Or even consider you human.

It’s one of the more popular chariots of the affluent that live primarily in the Western Suburbs. There are probably some second-hand ones in the likes of Dalkeith & Applecross but owners don’t truly consider them worthy unless they are brand-spankin’ and have a Barbagallo or RCSA plate.

Out of all the luxury 4WD’s, what draws one to the Range Rover? Well, the perception of class which is very important to people with generational wealth.

Sure, a Porsche Cayenne would be fun, or a G-Wagon will have you feeling like a celebrity but in the eyes of the elite, these are garish, vulgar, new money moves.

In many regards, silver spooners consider new money people to be grosser than broke people. Just watch the colour drain from their caviar when you tell them you acquired your wealth through cryptocurrency or, heaven forbid, hard work. Self-made millions are absolute kryptonite to Range Rover drivers.

As in life, not all Range Rovers are equal. If you want everyone to know you treat Down South winery staff like servants, you’re going to want the Vogue with all the extras. For extra richcunt points have a top of the line road bike attached to the back and rule out the chance of anyone wanting to converse with you.

A quarter-million 4WD is a rolling power move and there will be no confusion that you’re the type of dude who practices his golf swing while talking about the lowest-paid workers in your corporation having to “take one for the team”.

If you want everyone to know you’re hip, young western burbs MILF you might want one of the sportier models. This kinda Rangey will show everyone that despite all the parking technology in the car, you still manage to hit every inanimate object at the Claremont Quarter car park.

In your defence, it’s hard to park a car when you’ve had more sedatives than a Balinese tiger at a tourist park. Anyway, reckless abandon in an elite car park shows the world that you fear no insurance premium – traditionally a middle-class concern.

Just because you don’t care doesn’t mean you’ll accept any type of responsibility for your horrendous driving. That foreign au pair should’ve been more careful leaving her shitty Hyundai behind you. Does she even HAVE a driver’s license? You know how those countries are, etc, etc.

Range Rover Defenders are the go-to for any Richard Branson wannabe. You’ll feel like your ancestors colonising the world again in this rugged little luxury number. A perfect accompaniment is an eFoil on top – or any other luxury outdoor toy you can acquire. All in all, huge “trophy hunter” energy.

Any Rangey under $100k is still permissible under Western Suburb bylaws IF it’s gifted to your P-plater child as their FIRST car. If you are the recipient of such a vehicle please do your parents a favour and act as if you bought it yourself. Don’t worry, no one will write you off as a rich kid…

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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