The Poly Pipe was designed to be a 1.6km stretch that would make motorist’s lives easier by allowing them to bypass the CBD. Naturally, Perth drivers will be the ones to decide whether they want their lives to be easier or not and thus have chosen to utilise the tunnel in a contrary manner – a daily shitshow of incompetent proportions.

Perhaps it’s because Western Australians are born into such a vast city that they lose their shit once confronted with a more confined environment.

For whatever reason, it seems that the instinct for most drivers is to put that brake pedal to the metal and proceed to drive through a dry, safe tunnel at speeds that would make a turtle tap its watch.

This is of course made infinitely worse by the sheer lane panicking that occurs when someone in the far right lane needs to traverse two lanes of stubborn vehicular-cuntery to get to their turnoff.

As we all know, lane civility is not in our blood as when a Western Australian is born the doctor leans in and tells them that if they ever let another driver in, they will NEVER reach their destination. It’s engrained in us, what are ya gonna do?

It is imperative that you resist the urge to go full Perf and pull out some day 1 nonsense like lose focus and crash up the arse of the car in front of you. Oh, and certainly don’t be the clown to run out of fuel or overheat because you show your car as much love as a dickcheese scented houseplant.

That’s because in 2013 they ditched the emergency lanes so ask yourself whether you really want to be the donut that has caused traffic pandemonium in a tunnel designed to ease congestion. Stinkeyes will be burnt into your mind for years to come.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum is the fast & the furious crowd who have no intention of zooming through the tunnel at a socially acceptable pace. It seems you really aren’t living life to the max in your Skyline unless you are at risk of losing it for 28 days every time you drive.

They use the tunnel to live their lives 1 mile at a time which will no doubt be recorded on dash cam and used to convince some teenager to accompany them on their next car cruise to a Maccas’ car park.

Related to these Vince Duncels are the owners of motorbikes that produce a noise so offensively loud that it makes a 60 year old’s sneeze sound like a beautiful lullaby. Being in the tunnel with Captain Mid-Life crisis on his Harley could just cause deafness. So, keep an ear out for that, while you still can.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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