They say the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing society that they need to spend $500 on useless pieces of shit bed decorations that serve no real function other than to confuse straight men and impede one’s entry into bed.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re trying to climb in for a zonk or if you’re Indiana jones dodging soft boulders in a quest to raid the lost fuckin’ ark. Should you dare question the presence of such frivolities than good luck getting into the Temple of Poon that night also.
Like all addictions, throw rugs & pillows probably start out as a minor foray into the baffling world of bedroom decor. After all, who hasn’t sought solace in an extra pillow to spoon or put between their legs when they are crying themselves to sleep after another bender of pingtastic proportions.
However, the addiction is insidious and left untreated it will progress rapidly. Suddenly, nice functional pillows don’t give the decorator the same rush. They must opt for small, hard, rough surfaced pillows that are about as comfortable as denim grundies at the beach.
It’s at this point that most people would surely call out these bedroom artillery shells as a clear example of throw pillow culture taking the piss. Nevertheless, it won’t stop the rapid decline in unobstructed entry points to your bed.
You can’t stop this superficial decore train and your options are pretty limited. Either fall asleep on the couch each night or be the little Tonka excavator that could and dig your way through each layer like you were trying to free a cargo ship in the Suez Canal.
If you are the guest at someone’s house then you’d better take a pretty clear mental picture of the intricate order that each useless sleep-sandbag goes in.
Spend the first 20 minutes of your day trying to put this humpty dumpty fuckery back together and then get hit with bolts of low self esteem when your effort looks like all the king’s men decided to make scrambled eggs with their meat whisks instead.
Oh, and if you do decide to buck the trend and actually use an impractical pillow for sleep, just remember that someone has likely used one as a sex-aid to get a good angle. Think about that as your marinate in Frebeeze’d love juices from yesterweek.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?