Aaron M

New Zealand-born, Joel, had planned to have a relatively calm day on the “puss” yesterday. However, soon got carried away with the sweet satisfaction of shoving the clean sweep, up Aussie arses.

The 3-0 victory was made even sweeter by the fact the formidable All Blacks pulled down the Wallabies’ shorts and spanked them so hard on home turf that they were calling ’em daddy.

Joel was already 3 pints deep before going into the game and managed to maintain his levels of intoxication by drinking mid-strength extra fast. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

After the match, Joel barely noticed that he’d sucked back 20 bourbon & cokes across several venues as he was caught up in near-fatal levels of schadenfreude. He finished his night off by getting stuck in a bottle of Tequila that had been sitting on his kitchen shelf for 4 months.

Needless to say, Joel woke up looking like he was ready to defend Mordor against an infiltrating ring vandal. It was touch and go but Joel wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip.

Chris, an Aussie coworker of Joel told The Bell Tower Times that the morning was “challenging”. He elaborated,

“We were all kind of hoping Joel would take the day off but somehow he rocked up to work and you could barely tell he was so badly hungover. I think he was still drunk or something, the first thing he said to me was suck shut ya Aussie deckhead”

Indeed, at this point scientists speculate that Joel’s body was running on 100% pure smug satisfaction. Which amazingly cancelled out the immense physical hardship he’d put his body through with 45 standard drinks and 2 hours sleep.

Described as smelling like a “brewer’s skiddie”, Joel went “hard” on his colleagues. Jessica told us,

“I don’t even like rugby and he was in my office for about 30 minutes going on about it being the 18th clean sweep and the fact Australia hasn’t won the cup since 2001”

Even his superiors weren’t spared the horrors of Joel’s euphoric state. At lunch, a supervisor recounted the horror,

“He was sitting in the kitchenette shoving Fillet o Fishes in his mouth while asking me why the Wallabies were so ‘shut’. He knew I was at the game so he was rubbing it in pretty hard. I had to leave when he tried to show me replays on his phone. Pieces of fish were flying everywhere”

Ultimately, Joel was given a red card of his own after being caught having a nap on the toilet after a solid 5 hours of gloating. It was undeniably an impressive effort.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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