Many people will be turning to their beloved consoles to help get them through the spring of Rona. A few multiplayer sessions can be good for the soul if you are adequately prepared for the emotional rainbow road rollercoaster that is Mario Kart.
Emotions run high
Get ready to powerslide through the full spectrum of emotions on the instability rainbow. See, Mario Kart was designed to bring us together, however, all it did was help up release the monster inside.
Sure, you might not think you’re the type to smash a controller through a glass table, but try getting blue-shelled moments before crossing the finishing line. Where is your god, then?
There is always someone who thinks they are hot shit
There’s always one self-assured toolbag that swans into a race with the confidence of an old mate reading the racing form at the TAB.
Deep down everyone knows the source of this confidence isn’t some natural aptitude, but rather a mixture of a youth spent underemployed and sucking on a bong like it was paying him to.
You have to accept that mediocrity is rewarded
You are conditioned in life to believe that the strong survive. So why the fuck does the biggest fucking doughnut in your group keep getting all the dardy shit in the mystery boxes? Why can’t the game just let him wither and die in 12th place, the way nature intended?
Who knows, but if you can’t reconcile this harsh truth, your anger will consume you. Then you’ll have to explain why you’ve smashed another controller into the back of the winners head.
Your final placement is a direct reflection on your life
Finishing 4th amongst your peers will almost certainly throw you into the grips of a particularly nasty existential crisis. If you couldn’t nail those shell launches then how are you going to nail your 2020 targets?
Missed every shortcut? Well get used to taking the long way through life you total spud. 15 minutes ago, Mario Kart is the one thing you would’ve said you were good at, now you are just another stinking pile of cow shit on Moo Moo Farm.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?