Leaked Federal Budget documents have revealed that the Albanese Government plans to fully fund Mike Whitney in what they are calling the “who cares wins” initiative. It is expected to help the cost of living crisis one dare at a time.
Under the scheme, Mike Whitney will be authorised to give $50 bucks to struggling Australians in exchange for performing something simple. Like climbing to the top of a flagpole, sack-tapping a stranger or getting your head shaved in the middle of a shopping centre.
A spokesperson for the Albo Government told The Times,
“In many ways, Mike Whitney is the ultimate welfare provider. He will be providing tax-free, cash money and requiring the public to jump through far less hoops than Centrelink does. What would you rather do? Choke down a Sao biscuit dry or spend 5 days on the phone to Cenno just to be told you’ll have to come in again because your Birth Certificate had too many creases or whatever bullshit they can think of?”
Needless to say, champion bowler, reality TV critic and all round good bloke Whitney is stoked at the opportunity. A source close to Whitney told The Times,
“Finally, the Government has weaponised Mike to fight the cost of living crisis. He’s the best to ever do it and has been planning diabolical dares all day. It’s truly a good day to be a Western Australian”
To make the deal even sweeter, Tania Zaetta will also be fully funded to provide the requisite support for the initiative. $50 cash and a chance to meet Mike and Tania. It’s the dream of many.
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