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Mr Acoustic Guitar

A cold beer on a Sunday goes down better than a Midland beautician when the American sailors are in town. It sure would be a shame if somebody was to… acoustic it.

Jai is that shame. All he brings to the afternoon is renditions of other artist’s songs so bad that if you were looking for his wallet, it’d be the one with bad cover-fucker written on it. 

Each of his Tinder photos contains the holy trinity: himself, his acoustic guitar and his greasy top knot that beams out his “vision” of moving to Berlin to any girl lucky enough to enjoy a 15 minute romp with him before falling to the pains of a urinary tract infection. 

Now between his “vision” of producing a performance art album in Germany and his unpopular Youtube channel, Jai is convinced he is a star. Words like “ambience” and “background music” mean nothing to a Chris Cuntsaak like him.

When he walks out into that beer garden it’s a concert, a grand celebration of Jai and his unimpressive ability to play songs so loud you actually sympathise with the kind of chode who moves into a house next to a pub and then make a noise complaint.

There is nothing more relaxing than having to yell directly into the ear of your partner just to be heard and there is certainly nothing like getting death stared by Jai for not paying attention while he is “aaaaWayyyoooooo’ing” like Matt Corby getting peanut buttery with a Husky. 

When Jai finishes his set he waits for all the single ladies to swarm at him like he was the discount bin at Supre in Rockingham. Unbelievably none approach.

How could they not want to praise such a sensitive and deep artist? Desperate times call for desperate measures and he decides to serenade the crowd with an unwelcome encore. 

“This song goes out to all the broken hearted, until I am reunited with Berlin, my heart pains as well, don’t give up, follow your dreams, you’re beautiful…”

The cheesy’nes of his bullshit is nothing short of shmegmatic and he drops some heavy James Blunt on the bemused crowd. Mere seconds into his encore he overhears a snide remark in the corner, “fucks sake didn’t this prick just finish?”

He reacts by turning up his amp to the max. In a surreal crescendo he manages to blow his amp, the awful sound is met with a standing ovation. The only applause that Jai has got for the day. 

It goes to show, you will never hear someone at a Sunday sesh say, “geez I wish that topknot with guitar would’ve played louder”.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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