Much like a balding man’s comb-over, Ryan’s denial of his Asian persuasion is fooling nobody. He can get as defensive as he likes, but ultimately, his Tinder inbox speaks for itself.

Unlike a Rockingham brickie, Ryan needs to be able to sleep at night, so he clings to the fact he isn’t one of those embarrassing Aussies in Crocs & cargos living their life one rub & tug at a time.

No, he tells himself that he is a purveyor of culture and quality. He is chasing the Kobe beef, while the other cretins gorge on the pay-as-you-go poon buffet of South East Asia. Nothing creepy about that aye.

In true form, Ryan lines up a date with a girl of Asian appearance, but this time she has a pesky Western surname. This has really thwarted his plans to effortlessly get her wok hot with his knowledge of her culture. This will require a delicate touch.

First, he takes her to a Vietnamese restaurant and pays close attention to how she pronounces Pho. Alas, she pronounces it “fo”, so he mentally ticks “Viet” off his list before serenading the restaurant with the battle cry of Hoe-Chi-Mihn chaser: “Fuhhhhhhhhhhh”.

After sounding like he had a fucking lingual stroke, he takes his date to Tiger Lil’s in the city. He laughs as he enters, “it’s not racist I took you here is it?” Well, it wasn’t, but it certainly is getting that way, fucko.

He talks endlessly about his 2 week trip to China and his plans to teach English in Beijing, “have you ever been to China?” She responds, “nope”. For fuck’s sake, this stonewalling is so great that a horde of Mongolians are liable to show up and scale it.

They leave the bar, and Ryan pulls another play straight out of the fetishisers playbook: the local karaoke bar. By this stage, she is outright offended, and any hope Ryan had has been vaporised like a school of Fukushima fish.

“Let me save you the time freak, I’m half Thai, let me guess you only date Asian girls?” Woah, Ryan wasn’t prepared for that. Her aggressive Australian accent has completely Pearl Harboured his submissive girl fantasy.

He decides to embark on a desperate salvage mission and lectures his date on making racist assumptions about him. Yikes, he is now so deep in his own closet of denial that he’s giving a Ramen Bar in a Narnia 1 star for not being authentic.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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