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Mr Aussie Jihadi

Habib was the sort of intense weirdo that would go apeshit during a schoolyard game of barcode bash. His temperament was as unpredictable as the lay of the milk carton, and his thick mono-brow was always on point. Despite the love, his conservative Muslim family showed him and the comfort his middle-class upbringing provided him, Habib simply had an unshakeable chip on his shoulder that was fueled by a profound misunderstanding of Australia, Islam and more importantly himself.

Habib’s anti-Australian sentiment can be traced back to the first house party he attended. He drank heavily and confessed to his mate that he had an insatiable hankering to partake in his pork sword. His mate was shocked by the sweaty advance and did not halal Habib to blow him like an IED. When Habib awoke from his hangover, he was sickened at how Australians chose to unwind. We were all a bunch of immoral drunks that needed a fierce dose of Jihadi justice. Yes, it was Australia’s fault he wanted to spin the wheel in everyone’s favourite party game: fellate ya mate!

He grew his beard and started hanging around men who laughed about the Martin Place siege and considered babes with exposed midriff to be “uncovered meat”. As time passed, Habib’s internet search history began to read like a grim dossier into the mind of a lunatic. He had joined online hate groups and spoke to his IS “brothers”. He downloaded the Anarchist’s Cookbook and became fascinated with bomb-making guides. He began to righteously stroke his hateful beliefs and release the dirty ejaculate of extremism on the jizz-rag he called a blog.

One fateful day in May, Habib lost his fucking mind after a 16-year-old KFC worker asked him if he would like bacon on his burger. He ranted and raved with the intensity of a shitty IS propaganda video and let everyone behind the counter know just how haram they were. His act of instability reached a surreal climax when he began threatening to burn down the joint. Habib had stepped the line, he had declared Jihad on the ever delicious KFC. You don’t fuck with that Habib, most people would choose a Zinger burger combo over 21 virgins any day. Police were called.

Habib was now arrested and under investigation. His internet history was revealed, and his passport cancelled. A blog post was found that revealed his sick fantasy to become a master oxygen thief and attack police officers and civilians on Mother’s Day. The news spread, and he was shunned by the Muslims in his community, he couldn’t even show his face at Thornlie square. In one fell swoop, he had become an embarrassment to his faith, his country and himself.

Nevertheless, he felt safe and secure amongst his new IS family, however, how can a family exist if they have no concept of love? He was being radicalised by heartless thugs who believe that if Habib were going to make an impact on Australia, it would be preceded by a BOOM.

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