In 2017 Perth streets are lousy with the cretinous pubic-crabs of public disorder. Society itches for relief, but who will step up to offer us the soothing lotion of justice?
Faster than tools down on a Fridee arvo, more powerful than a Milwaukee impact drill, able to smash tall longnecks in a single skol… it’s Citizen’s Arrest Tradie! Or Keith to you.
Keith wasn’t always a perpetrator apprehending machine, oh no, he was once like you. Mere prey to the shit-hawks of petty crime. That was until he caught a gronk ganking his Kincrome ratchet set from site.
“Fuck that shit”, he chased the little meth-rat down and sat on the prick until police arrived. Not even one of his trademark post-Red Roota, 45-minute port-a-loo shits felt as cleansing.
A few nights later his fate was sealed when he interrupted a home invader with his new drone in his hands. “You are farrrking kidding me mate”. The shitbag drops the drone and bolts.
Keith’s unbuttoned Hi-Vis flaps majestically like a cape as he scales fences and pounces on the offender like a CFMEU rep on a scab. While he waits for the police, he gives the lad a few industrial strikes to the chops for good measure.
Police arrive to a cool, calm and collected Keith putting out a dart. It was a message to all of Perth’s criminals, crime pays fuck all, and now… smoko was over NCIS-ly puts on Oakleys.
Weeks later Keith is finishing up a job in Freo when he notices someone driving like a drongo in an attempt to escape the police. “Utter pelican,” he thinks as the driver gets stuck in a dead end. Alas, he evades police capture and runs towards him.
The prick was getting away, the stakers were high, so Keith knew he needed to administer a Barry Halling. He drops the prick with a textbook hip and shoulder. Turns out the guy had run over a parking inspector (all lives matter people).
The next day, he is telling the boys about the incident over smoko. Naturally, an older, rival alpha male tradie emerges from his heated dual cab, “nah that’s fuck all, this one time I was in a bank and…”
Here we go.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?