Mr Unsolicited Dick Pic

Technology has radically changed the way Dylan exposes his cheesy chode to the unsuspecting women of Perth. No longer must he adorn himself in the trench coat of exhibitionism and wait for a lady to wander into his web of depravity like the sexually deviant spider he is. Ideally, he uses Snapchat because while he wants the woman to get a taste of his dick milk, he doesn’t want them to own the dick cow. How else will he leave them wanting more of his majestic rod? A modern day Cunt-anova.

It’s Friday night, and Dylan is enjoying some after work drinks with his colleagues at the Print Hall. Armed with the confidence of Perth’s most photogenic dick, he chats up the new receptionist with pure N64 game. She probably is feigning pleasantries in the pursuit of trying to fit in; however, Dylan thinks he is totally bombastic and is focussed giving her a little shaggy later on. Mr lover, lover waits for a moment when she is separated from the herd and goes in for the kill, “so, you got Snapchat? Bitta fun ay?” The dick seed has been sown.

After drinks, Dylan heads home in a drunken haze of toey lustfulness. Once in his den, he mixes a few overly strong glasses of Jack & Coke. He is on a crash course to piss-stained wallowing and is liable to make some questionable choices. He begins sloppily thinking about the new receptionist and sends her a Snappy of him holding his drink and writing “cheers babe”. She responds by sending him a picture of a cup of tea, “bedtime for me lol”. Dylan is stunned, he called her “babe”, and she didn’t flirt back, perhaps he was being too subtle?

Lucky for her, Dylan knows the difference between a dick loser and a dick champion, so he flops out ol’ faithful and starts molesting it like a naughty piece of cooked spaghetti. He is having a tough time achieving an erection, so he decides to just send off a softie. One may never know what was going through Dylan’s mind when he sent the shame of lifeless flaccidity with a strong eyeful of pubey horribleness. 1/10.

He waits several minutes for the unadulterated joy of knowing a girl has seen his willy. However, she doesn’t open it, and he feels that he needs to completely lose his fucking mind to win her over. He makes a 6-second Snap video of him desperately trying to give his limp dick the stroke of life. The video is not only grotesque, but it sends a great message to her: you can expect plenty more impotence, later on, baby. After sending the video, he succumbs to the effects of intoxication and passes out on the couch like the tuckered out master of flirtation that he is.

The following morning, the receptionist awakens with innocence and gently smiles in anticipation of a non-hungover Saturday morning. She pours herself a bowl of Crunchy Nut and flicks through her phone with carefree abandon. She decides to check out Dylan’s Snapchats. Oh for fuck’s sake, she almost spits out her coffee when she cops the first Snap, but it’s the follow up that rocks her to the core. She feels both violated and sickened by the grotesque images on her screen but is quick enough to get a screenshot.

Ah yes, Dylan awakens to a notification of his own, the dreaded screenshot of doom. His weak dick pic game will now be the subject of much ridicule and will forever be known as Captain Jack Softcock from the Pirates of the Cant-un-see-it.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?