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Mr “I Almost Got Drafted”

Jacko peaked so hard in high school that he made the West Coast 2006 Grand Final after-party look like a meditation retreat. Just ask him, he was the best & fairest, leading goal scorer and could torp a Sherrin 80m off a single step. 

He would’ve got drafted straight from school but according to Jacko, he hurt his back rooting too many girls on leavers. Which is half true, he did hurt himself riding a bike blind drunk on Rotto but the real reason he didn’t get drafted was that he wasn’t that good. 

Still reasonably fit, Jacko found himself playing some OK footy at Colts level. While not the official captain he sure acted like it and would constantly tell the boys after training that it was only a matter of time before he was given the nod for the AFL draft. 

See, Jacko was never one to let the cruel siren of reality sound on his denialism. So he took great pleasure in waltzing around the changerooms dishing out unsolicited advice and assuring young players they could play at his level if they just put their mind to it. 

Talent aside, the first major blow to this AFL chances occurred when he punched out an umpire for calling a free-kick against him. He’d been coming down hard from a big night out and Barry Hall’d the shit out of his dwindling reputation. 

Nevertheless, the writing was on the wall. Jacko had managed to impregnate 2 different women and was forced to get a job to afford the fruits of his bad pull-out labour. He’d cooked things so thoroughly that his career could now only be identified by its dental records. 

Several years on, not much has changed for Jacko. He’s still playing social footy and he’s still cornering any living soul and explaining in great depth about how he would’ve been drafted in 2010 and still probably would have a chance this year if wanted to. 

At 28, it seems unlikely but his mates know it’s best not to rummage through that hurt locker too much. Or it’ll be another pub session of Jacko going through the entire 2010 draft and explaining why they were all shit compared to him. 

Especially Darling, “as I always say, the wrong fucken Jack got drafted, lads”. If pressed any harder, he’ll get into why he would’ve been a Brownlow medalist without any shadow of a doubt. According to Jacko, no AFL player has ever shown the same power to speed ratio that he showcased in his first season of Colts. 

It can’t be said that Jacko hasn’t learned to deal with disappointment though. In fact, he has a brilliant form of therapy each year during both the trade period & draft. He fires up his socials (his 2009 best & fairest medal as the profile pic) and loses his shit on Fox Footy forums. 

Slamming everyone like it was the royal rumble. Perhaps it’s not very stable for a grown man to be describing how he’d knock out a 17-year-old because they were cocky and got drafted to West Coast but it’s the release he needs. 

After his yearly purge, he watches a video of his best on ground effort in 2009 that his dad recorded. After 10 more beers, he will then remind himself that he’s the GOAT. Not that it was ever in question. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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