Dan has successfully avoided any career, personal or emotional development with the aid of his favourite life philosophies – “toughen up princess”, “if you don’t love it, leave” and the battle-cry of the complacent half-thinker, “it is what it is”.
Years of pitifully flailing around in the shallow end of his own stagnant life, Dan has developed a half carton a night habit that his misso, Tina, reckons is a bit much.
He wakes up late for the 8th shift in a row. Tina tries to air out the stench of stale chicken ovenable gas that is constantly spewing from Dan’s brown geyser, “if you didn’t drink so many bloody beers you’d be able to get up in the morning!”
Dan soaks his toilet seat in a pungent stream of dehydrated Emu, “ah well, it is what it is, luv” – and just like that Dan has given himself permission to shine. Happily avoiding some introspective thought and a little rummage around in his hurt locker to work out why he’s pulling off a 12 hit combo on his liver every night.
He gets to work after stopping off at Caltex to clear out their bain-marie. He enters the warehouse and overhears a heated discussion between Vijay and Lachie about the way Justin Langer was dealt with.
Vijay had lived in Sydney and didn’t have the same sympathies for Langer as Lachie. It was getting heated and the argument was beginning to nail-scratch the blackboard of his hangover. So like, the wise king he so badly thinks he is, Dan decrees, “look ya dumb kents, farken is what it is, got it? Now, that’s that and I don’t wanna hear another bloody word about it ya pelicans”.
Such powerful analysis. How could a discussion possibly continue in the presence of such diplomatic brilliance? Dan crop dusts towards the kitchenette to make some instant coffee. Deep down, he knows everyone is bathing in his wise glory.
After lunch, there’s a bit of a fracas around the lunch van. Someone, possibly Lachie, had scribbled some graffiti on the toilet door that would make Jack van Tongeren blush – and the men were having it out.
The following day, Dan finds out that Vijay was sacked after making a complaint about Lachie. See, Lachie is the son-in-law of the boss and frankly, the boss doesn’t necessarily disagree with some of the sub-continental barbs flung on that toilet door.
Vijay comes to Dan completely lost and hurt by the process. Looking for the slightest bit of advice to help him deal with losing his job after being vilified. Dan puts his greasy hand on the man’s shoulder and says, “yeah, nah Vijay, what can I say? It is what it is”.
Vijay can’t believe it. This is a man he once went to a T20 game with at Perth Stadium. A nearly unbreakable coworker bond that apparently didn’t deserve any greater advice than to accept life knackering you as there’s probably nothing you can do.
Dan arrives home later to find Tina worked up in the lounge room. She’s not even paying attention to The Chase, so you know shit is about to get real. “You said you’d pull out! I’m preggo again ya muppet!”
Never one to take any responsibility for his breeding habits, Dan unloads, “orright calm down, not my fault is it, you know I can’t last long when ya turn around, what ya yelling about anyway, it is what is farken is, luv”
And just like that, Dan digs into the money he was saving to buy Tina a new air fryer to go and get that little man-raisin bun crossed off at her earliest convenience.
Wait until Tina finds out that Dan blew the majority of their savings on some obscure crypto coin earlier in the year. He can’t see how it’s his fault though and sometimes losing $10k of your partner’s money is just how it is.
Move over Tony Robbins, this is the self help lord almighty.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
