Mr Mail Order Bride

Eugene dusts the dried cum and Pringle dust from his ¾ khaki “sex tourist” shorts. He has located a ripper meme that suggests a woman’s opinion ought yield to her duties in the kitchen. The debris of desperation gently floats down to his sweaty Reef sandals that serve no other purpose than to assure people that the blinged up Rolex on his fat, freckled wrist is indeed as fake as Pete Evan’s non-biodegradable botoxed face.

Eugene is flying to Pattaya tonight and reluctantly engages the services of some ‘foreign flog” to drive him to the airport. During the ride, a woman as the audacity to stop for a red light. “Fucking women drivers, that’s why youse don’t see em driving Supercars, Holden wouldn’t have a bar of em bleeding their monthlies all over them seats”. One could accuse Eugene of not particularly liking woman, he seems to want a G-string clad Fleshlight attached to a Thermomix.

15 hours later he reaches his destination. Ah Pattaya… the crusty skidmark on the gooch of South East Asia. A place where Eugene can slow dance with his delusions while cheekily thumb-fucking the arse of shameless exploitation. Eugene lines up his first masage for the trip. He removes his fake Diesel shirt to reveal the official tattoos of someone who states they attended “the school of hard knocks, university of life” on their Facebook. He looks Boonsri right in the eyes, “fucking, 1500 baht for a rub n tug? Get fucked”.Oh, Eugene’s flirtations are straight out of a Jane Austen novel. Eugene just found his Pattaya Princess, and she just discovered her falung cash cow.

Back in Australia, Eugene madly rushes around to arrange a spousal visa for his new girl. On the other hand, Boonsri refers to Eugene as a “kwai” (water buffalo) while she nets a cool 10,000 baht per month from other deluded men who believe that a woman’s heart can be bought for the promise of a visa and some foreign currency. Eugene may brag to his goatee’d crew about how “toiiiight” his missus is, but the bravado has nothing on how tight she has him wrapped around her little finger.

Boonsri would love Australia if she wasn’t pest-shadowed by her insanely possessive kwai who believes his touchiness it’s all part of the “contract”. Gross.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?