Derron is George Bush Jnr’s wet dream: a weapon of Muay Thai-struction that isn’t afraid to reveal itself to the world. 

Like a cyclist with a GoPro you’d better stay 1m from him because once he puts on his Red Bull shorts he can strike with all the fury of a 3-month beginners course at his local gym. 

After making a 16 year old piss blood during a sparring session Derron knows he is ready to up his game and books a month-long training camp in Phuket. 

Unlike the other Monster-capped drongos in his class, he actually immerses himself in Thai culture and arrives 2 weeks early so he can get some traditional Thai Sak Yant tattoos and enjoy more happy endings than a Disney box set. He looks ridiculous. 

While everyone waits for the first class to start, Derron storms in and starts smashing bags like a Wall Street baller. His technique is so fucking amateur it belongs on the casting couch. A couple of Thai instructors watch on in disgust as Derron posts all of his shit training to Snapchat. 

After several sessions of ignoring the Thai instructors, Derron is fighting with all the grace of a drunk frantically trying to thumb-pack his dying erection into any orifice he can. Of course in his mind, he is top dog and decides to ask a girl out on a “protein date”. 

The date is a total success, being from Rockingham she loves his stories about who he reckons he could smash and frothed on the way he berated the Thai waitress for not understanding his order of “300 grams of lean protein”.

Derron senses a connection and he knows if he can just impress her the next day he won’t have to hit up the massage parlour for the 24th night in a row. He spots his opportunity when he sees her standing near some bamboo.

He gathers a crowd and in anticipation for his shins of steel display, “this is what hard work and training gets you”. The Thai instructors can’t fucking wait for this. He starts grunting like a horny Bison and works himself up to kick the shit out of the bamboo.

BOOM. He shins himself good and proper and starts writhing around in pain. He floated like a turd and stung like the humiliation of an entire training camp laughing at him.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?