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Mr Paris Bombings

John looked deep into tweeted pictures of the Paris rubble and saw an opportunity. An opportunity to dispense sage wisdom and make the entire tragedy about himself with the aid of his Facebook doctorate in Middle Eastern terrorism.

Applying the France filter to his profile picture was merely the good-intentioned tip of the thundercunting iceberg that bobbed obnoxiously in the social media seas. John is determined to make his mark on the tragedy and notes that the Facebook baguette is well buttered with impassioned condemnations and respectful well wishes. Fuck all that bullshit, John is going to detonate a self-serving peace-bomb in his status and make everything alright:

“I had a conversation with my Muslim taxi driver on the night of the Paris bombings. He tearfully told me that he was scared to attend his Mosque from fear of retaliation. I embraced the sobbing man, and told him, you preach peace friend and you are a true Muslim. We cried, but we were strong, as brothers. Remember guys #notallmuslimsareterrorists, now is not the time to attack our Islamic friends”.

Astonishingly, John’s shameless efforts to highlight his amazing ethnic-tolerance is rewarded by a flurry of likes. A modern-day Jesus Christ, utilising the profound nature of a parable to make an obvious statement that is accepted by anyone who would politely decline a gobby from a bacon-bikini’d Jacqui Lambie.

John then stumbles upon the holy grail of obvious advice: the well-received speech by Channel 10’s beloved Waleed Aly. John is feeling the shit out of it, it’s Allah-damned remarkable. Aly’s message of unity was just what John needed to affirm all the other shit he had been spewing out all day. He shares the shit out of Aly’s video, “You could all learn something from Waleed, like me, he understands that love is the only way forward. Please remember that #notallmuslimsareterrorists, and that’s what ISIS wants us to think!”

John pats himself on the back and basks in the warm glow of the easy opinion. The atmosphere is rich in self-serving circle-jerky, and John can’t help to think, that he’s made a real difference these last couple of days.

On’ya John.

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