Mr Perth Bartender

In the past 8 months, Jai has worked for Republic, The Mechanics Institute, Five and Frisk. His mixology skills are sound enough, but he struggles to maintain gainful employment on account of his atrocious attitude. “Mahn, that irrelevant toy tried ordering Hendricks Gin with Coke, I was right to belittle him”. Jai strongly believes that he is a pioneer in bringing Perth out of the bogan-age and into the cosmopolitan urban bar scene.

He is dressed about as shit-headish, and you’d expect: flat brimmed hat (backwards), flanno button up, little black vest, tight black jeans and a pair of fucking bowling shoes. His scruffy hair and bushy beard give him a homeless-chic that is topped off with a lesbian nose-ring: he calls himself the “Darude Sandstorm”.

In Jai’s mind he has reached the highest level of white-boy cool, so that entitles him to wear headphones while he talks with people. Wutang Clan or Drake always cranking, “get that CREAM mahn”.

Jai will never admit it, but he admires the Melbourne bar scene and is desperate to be just like the cool cats working in Fitzroy or Windsor. Jai now works at a small bar in Leederville and insisted that a condition of his employment was that they stock Melbourne Bitter. “Seriously, anyone who orders, like, a Becks is a toy”. Jai also tried to get his teeth into the bars dress code. “I totally shouldn’t have to serve someone who is wearing a Billabong shirt, mahn.. surf is totally not up”. Yeh yeh, we get it Jai, we can’t all dress like wannabe Melbourne fuckboys.

It’s Jai’s trial shift, and he brings over a table’s order: sliders, chips and a couple of Heinekens. “We don’t mean to be a bother, but we did order extra aioli mate”. The red mist rolls over Jai’s clear-framed Ray Bans, “um, no you didn’t, if you would like extra sauce, just like, ask mahn”. Jai’s manager sees a scene unfolding and rushes over. Jai explains, “um this guy, like, dressed out of a River’s catalogue is calling me a liar”. The man takes offence and leaves.

Jai is fuming, “can you believe that guy mahn? Go and drink Heineken while dressed like a bogan elsewhere hey”. Jai’s manager explains that the group will probably leave a bad UrbanSpoon review and hurt the business. “Mahn, why would you want people coming here who use Urbanspoon, you may as well just advertise the bar at Red Dot – the price choppers mahn”.

Get the fuck out of my bar Jai.