Mr Perth Stoner

Evan was 18 when he first choked down a cone of intoxicating bud. He used to catch up with a school friend on the Rossmoyne Foreshore and smoke cones in his Mazda 626. They would sit there talking shit and getting lost in the fast pace intricacies of Drum n Bass music.

The highlight of each sesh was the drive down to Caltex on High Road to raid the 2 for 1 deals. A feast fit for a peasant: jumbo sausage rolls (3 sauces per jumbo), KitKats, Magnum Egos and most importantly Blue Powerade. “I wonder if Blue is just every other flavour combined? I love it more than my mum”, Evan says before sucking on the tit of hydration.

Evan’s life can be summarised by two facts now: his dad has locked up his garden hose, and he is 4 years into a 3 year Notre Dame Arts Degree. He isn’t in much of a rush. Life rolls slowly when you live in a green haze. He has a chop with a mate at South Beach before heading in for a politics tute. Getting ripped was a bold strategy before entering such a small and intimate environment. Evan sits in the corner and attempts to avoid eye contact with his tutor and peers. “So Evan, what did you think of the reading?” Evan’s face is 90% stunned mullet with 10% deer caught in headlights, “um, no, uh, sorry”. The tutor’s internal dimwit detector hits a 10, and he decides to question a more coherent student.

Evan’s stoned paranoia begins to get the better of him. He fears that his tutor is “onto him” and that he may have made a complete tit of himself. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean it’s not true Evan. He decides to meet up with some friends at the Orient for a drink. A few bootylicious Uni babes are sitting with his friends. Evan highly regrets the cheeky bong he had immediately before entering the pub. He awkwardly stares at the girls while he nurses his pint. Beer is most unsatisfying on the stoned palate.

One of the girls tries to make conversation with Evan, “got any plans for the weekend?” Evan turns his blood-shot eyes to her, takes a deep breath and gives a response a crack: “probably going to get hell stoned and play Battletoads on my SNES”. She remains silent and shoots him a look that screams “K, loser”. Evan just experienced the real-life equivalent of a message on Facebook being “seen” and not replied to within 24 hours. Strap it down Evan.

It’s been a cracker of a day for Evan. Academic embarrassment, female judgment and to make matters worse he has lost the wiko that he was saving for tonight. He calls up the only person on the planet more aloof and useless than himself: his dealer. “Can you do us a stick mate?”

And with those words, Evan knows he will be waiting in the Caltex car park for anywhere between 20 minutes and 1 hour 45 minutes. When a useless force meets an unmotivated resistance, nothing is possible.