Perth Now comments sections are barren wastelands of caps-locked fury and wilful ignorance. Australian media is facing a brave new world of misinformation, and it needs a hero equally as misinformed: Mal is that hero, and he proudly wears his crusty mustard jocks on the outside.
Mal fancies himself a straight shootin’, tough as nails realist that is blessed with the infallible genius of the revered baby boomer. In reality, he is an outdated pack of cheese that has grown the various moulds of phobic and uncompassionate beliefs. No punishment is severe enough, no change is necessary enough, and no member of Gen Y has any bloody sense. He paid a modest $50K for his dwelling in ‘83 but rubs its current market value in your face like a dog owner rubbing it’s pet’s snout in a puddle of fiscal irresponsibility.
Luckily for the disenfranchised, Mal is a self-professed PhD-cunt in the field of methamphetamine. He cleans the fish finger crumbs off his Laz-e-Boy, whips out his Dell laptop and logs on to his beloved Perth Now. According to the quasi-journalistic clickbait of Newscorp, Perth is facing an ice epidemic of ad-revenue raising proportions. Mal decides to educate the nation, “CRACK is taken over… so many mindless moronic IMBERCILES taking CRACK which is on the brink of indemic SAturation. Deadshit DRUGGIEs, lock em up and throw away the KEY SIMPLE…”. Well said.
While he sits back and waits for unpatriotic lefties to challenge him, he remembers his top comment fondly from yester-month where he called for the Bali 9 ringleaders to be shot twice, “just to make sure the DRUGGIE SCUM are dead”. Despite never having been wronged by heroin traffickers he copped a fierce retribution-stiffy from his “bloody logical” opinion. Drugs are always wrong, unless of course in the case of Mal shoving dexies down the red cordial stained mouths of his now delinquent children. “Different kind of amphetamine, mate”.
While ruthlessly mind-fucking himself to the fantasy of his own brilliance, he also remembers his bold call to introduce mandatory sentencing to any hoon found guilty of being under 25 years old. His own E-Plates are of course a different story, given that he isn’t a leftarded bludger and knows what a real days work feels like.
During a Today Tonight ad break, he stumbles upon an article discussing the proposed footbridge to link East Perth to the new stadium. The bridge is not only wavy and homosexual, but the pure audacity of the Government to spend millions of dollars on infrastructure has Mal foaming like the 7th can of domestic beer he has cracked this evening. “Arty FARTY BULLSHIT, $54M! yous are got to be kidding me! TAXPAYERS getting rip offed again… surprise surprise… try again COLIN, we don’t even need a bloody bridge”. He argues with “Tony of Subiaco” before laying his famous death blow, “mate try moving out of your PARENTS house and get a bloody clue, son”.
Mal retires to bed, tomorrow he will tackle Islam, refugees and the roadworks near his local bottle shop.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?