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Mr Reclaim Australia

Roy knew he had a flair for political activism when he first bottled some ethnic cunt at the South Perth Foreshore on Australia Day. The brown shards of his domestically brewed beer embedded in the towel head’s female circumcision loving head and left the pork-dodger with a friendly reminder that Roy wasn’t having a bar of his choice to be an Islam. Roy is now a proud member of Reclaim Australia and the UPF and his unique brand of Southern Cross-patriotism loudly pierces the nation’s ears like the smoke alarm on Russell O’Callaghan’s rental property after Chemist Warehouse has a sale on Codral.

On Friday Roy adorned himself in his finest pair of Adidas snap-pants and boarded a plane to Melbourne. He was making a love-it-or-leave-it pilgrimage to the “lefty” capital of the world for Reclaim Australia’s Melbourne rally. He offers his vanilla slice-faced son some sage advice, “Melbourne is full of homos, Islams and lefties orrright, time we showed em a bit of Aussie Pride”. The pair tap their Jack’s filled plastic cups together and blow their patriotic load into the unwilling faces of their fellow travellers, “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OI OI OI!”

At their budget hotel, Roy employs some of his award-winning charms to sweet talk an early check-in, “can yous fucking understand English? I don’t want to wait till 2pm check-in, I paid for me room, so let us up”. After successfully bullying his way into his hotel room a few hours early, he jumps on the WIFI and starts bogan-booking like a true patriot. It’s been a while since he has posted an anti-Halal meme or gave an unsolicited social critique of Islamic immigration, as these days his time and energy is spent on threatening “leftie communist scum”. He comes across a Reclaimwat? post that describes the Reclaim mob as being racist dickheads. He puts down his breakfast can and works his magic, “lefty scum, can use koindely tlel us wat RACE ISLAM IS!? sik of suportin use unwashed unistudnts GET A JOB COMMUNISt DeadDSHITs on cnetrlink. I am aganst ISLAM IDOELOGY”.

To date, the high watermark of the movement’s intellectual prowess, is the smug knowledge that they are technically not racist for demonising an entire community based on their religious affiliation. He will relentlessly argue his point against lefty scum with all the eloquence of a tow truck driver berating a prostitute who laughed at his meth-limped penis. Does he understand what the left-wing is? Well as the entire movement has the collective IQ of Charlie Sheen’s jizz after a 10-day coke bender, it is fair to assume the “left” is simply anyone who considers people like Roy to be a national embarrassment. He spends the rest of his morning polishing off the mini-bar and joining the Aussie Pride circle-jerk on The Great Aussie Patriot’s Facebook page.

By 11am, Roy is drunk enough to forget the trauma of being stuck in Bali the week before, and rages his way towards the Reclaim Australia rally to join the other 30 or so patriots who have gathered to listen to some white trash cunt spew hate from the tray of a povo work ute. The rally is as underpopulated as a London convention centre during Dental Awareness week. Nevertheless, Roy cheers to the hate mongering alongside a decent array of Swastika tattoos and Union Jacks. A number of patriots were unable to enter the rally, so they decided to cover their faces in bandannas and throw “heil Hitler” salutes at the pulsing crowd of lefty scum.

The Rally’s keynote speakers struggled to be heard over the dominating chant from the anti-fuckwit protesters and the group was quickly escorted away by a large group of Victorian police. Roy takes to his online soapbox, “Greta day fr PAtriots, cops wuldnt let tosn of us in but tunroutwas HUGEEE… ! lol, lefty scum got peperrsprays EAT SHIT…! cleara swho won the day!”

It sure was mate, it sure was.

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