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Mr School of Hard Knocks

The Human Zoo – Mr “School of Hard Knocks”

Locklan is so hard that he wagged the school of hard knocks every day and still came out with a certificate in staunchology. He graduated from the University of Life with flying-headbutt colours and decided conventional employment was beneath his unique set of skills.

It’s Friday morning, and Locklan watches his ex-wife’s armed robbery hearing in the Supreme Court. His Good Sammy’s button up clashes with his stained Adidas snap-pants. His stubbly face is gritty, and he smells like a cigarette that had just kwon-fucked a can of Woodstock. Of course being the badest man on the planet, he is giving the jury an ocular eye-staunching that they will never forget.

The jury’s deliberation is quick given the mountainous evidence against the unsophisticated modus operandi. The guilty verdict rings through Locklan’s ears, and he channels all the fury of Halal tax comments section, “DOGS, farkkkkken DOGS! Walk a mile in her shoes, true. See you when you see you cunts true!” No stranger to being dragged out of important buildings, Locklan froths and foams the aggro war-crys of the deadshit, “you know who I am, son? Get your farkinnnn’ hands off MEEEEE”.

Locklan is furious, he can’t believe he lives in a world where they incarcerate violent criminals. He decides the best course of action is to hit the yewww-pipe. He works himself into a state of smash-happy inebriation and decides to even the score against society. He charges down to the Rockingham foreshore and staunches the fuck out of a little old lady by snatching her purse and spending her pension on smokes and booze.

Feeling like a big man, he logs onto his Facebook and spots a status update from a mutual friend. “Heard that slut Dhakota got guilty, good riddance to herpes rubbish..!” Locklan is so fucking angry that he forgets the 3 years of reading & writing education he received, “HAHAHA fk u DIKHEAD… tlking shit lol… i no were u live cunt true.u best delt that shit”. Of course, every reptile in the Tap Out terrarium will bite back, “fk off ya crakhead”.

The retort is outright Dickensian and throws fuel onto the dero-fire. Illogical and angry thoughts race through Locklan’s limited mind “does this dog think he’s better than me???”. Shit has just got real as Locklan is a keyboard samurai that has had his honour brought into question by a lack of respect for his inherent staunchness. He fires back with an eloquent threat, “u dead”. Officially bringing his ratio of threats to murders to 149:0.

An eerie calm falls over Facebook. Unfinished business that will have its conclusion postponed on account of the police knocking on Locklan’s door. Luckily for society, the justice system wields a big brush and is happy to scrub off the residual scum that preys on its members.

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