Mr Wellness Wednesdays (Isagenix)

In the health superstar circle jerk, John is passionately grasping the throbbing erections of residual income and opportunity with all the easygoing charms of a second-hand sex robot. His life is now a journey to transform from an uninspired caterpillar into a glorious Isagenix butterfly and flutter ever so gracefully towards early retirement.

John lives his life one sickening motivational post at a time. He lathers his Facebook with joyful suck-holery that one could expect to experience at a Wiggle’s ecstasy party. Totally inspired by his desire to sell supplements, he records a baffling 2-minute video of himself rambling semi-coherently about an opportunity for soft-bodied peasants to change their lives and start living their dreams. The video has less substance than Russell O’Callaghan’s meth baggie on a Sunday morning and conveniently makes no mention of the fact the opportunity is to sell fucking protein bars. Nevertheless, his superstar team members froth over it, “keep on killing it mate, you are going to change so many lives!”

John is so stoked at how his video is changing lives that he walks around fist pumping like the fucking champion he is. He spends his morning trawling through his team’s Isabodies and spots a budding superstar that has managed to lose 2.7kg on her 30-week challenge. He posts her before & after shot, “warning proud moment alert! Look at this superstar, absolutely killed it on her 30-day challenge! Wow, girl, you have serious abs! Looks like I’ll have to kill some sit-ups to keep up! #nevergiveup #nevergivein #health&wellness #nutritioniskey. For fuck’s sake man, sort yourself out.

In the eyes of his team, John’s journey is especially inspiring or someshit, so he gets to present this weeks Wellness Wednesday. He passionately carries on like Tom Cruise at a couch sale and tells people how being a poorcunt on Facebook and sweating friends and family to buy supplements is the way to early retirement. He gets a massive passion-boner when he sees how many people he is rescuing from the chump’s world of gainful employment. Fucking, $20,000 a month in residuals and unconditional love from your new #blessed family! You beauty.

John goes on a motivational post rampage after his presentation and indiscriminately shares memes, gym selfies and makes random ass-tonguing comments on other fitness chode’s Facebook pages, “just want you to know you’re killing it, bro!” Quite a contrast to the scene on Mother’s Day when Johnny boy refused to see his mum because she stopped her monthly purchase of his supplements!

But hey, it’s the only way that demotivated bitch will learn right?

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