Home The Human Zoo Lifestyle, Love & Parenting Mrs Mummy Blogger (Part 2)

Mrs Mummy Blogger (Part 2)

Cynthia wakes up to 160 notifications. Her fellow “queens” have locked & loaded their semi-mummy-matic weapons and are defending their leader like the Columbine shooters defended their virginity.

Like a team of Diet Coke & Dorito arsed-Power Rangers the queen’s unite against anyone casting disparaging opinions on their leader’s marriage breakdown.

Just like a masseur’s fingers on a Greek dad’s back, Cynthia must get into the thick of it. She puts on a flower-wreathy piece of shit she fashioned to look like Constance and sends a private message:

“Yass QUEEEEEN! But anyways, fuck the haters, what’s been up, babes? How’s your kids? I’m pregnant again too, I’m ’bout to leave the father. If I have a daughter, guess what I’ma call her? I’ma name her Constance”

[seen but not replied]

“Oh I read about your hubby Billy too, I’m sorry I had a friend blog about some dick who didn’t want her. I know you probably hear this every day. But I’m your biggest fan. I even dig who you picked up at the skate park, that was shit was blessed.”

In a show of unity, she heads down to the Willetton skate park and asks a bloke out who’s either watching other people’s kids, buying drugs or a VRO’y combination of the two.

Her husband is in shock as he packs up his belongings trying to come to grips with Cynthia’s bombshell. “What the fuck do you mean you met someone called Levi at the skate park? 15 years of marriage over just like that?”

Cynthia blocks out her former king’s whinging like a subpoena to the Catholic Church and stares at the message she sent her Queen. Still nothing. She steps up her crazy levels to David Wolfe fucking an Avocado trying to create a super octave earthling.

“Hey Queen, It’s 10am I just drank a bottle of Chardonnay, dare me to blog? You know that post by you, on a February night, “Yous is all Queens”, well you could’ve empowered this queen to be queening, but you didn’t, and now his lawyer says I gotta go to Court and I’m gonna lose my kids if I don’t show!”

[2 minutes elapse]

“P.s. I hope you know I removed all my bub’s faeces photos off my Facebook wall. Anyway I gotta go now, we’re almost at my new king’s caravan park, message me back!!!!!”

Weeks pass and Cynthia sits with her new unemployed boyfriend. She still checks her inbox every 30 seconds to wait for a reply that’s probably never coming. How has her life become a sick parody of when keeping it queen goes wrong?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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