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Ms Bali Yoga Retreat

Let’s get one thing straight: you are a jungle-shake swilling cretin, and she is an enlightened Ubud yoga enthusiast. You go to Bali to vomit on some British backpackers tramp stamp while you thumb pack your limp dick into her while trying to ignore the shameful crinkling of the latex. She is eating 3 square meals of fruit and yoga’ing off her fucking nut. Got it?

Stef rarely leaves South Fremantle because she doesn’t believe in public transport and her fixie can only take her so far. She meets her girlfriend at Ootong & Lincoln for a tea and yoga retreat planning session. “This time, we are totally doing the day of silence babes”. Ah, the butterfly effect in full motion. One day of silence will result in about 12 days of smug bragging about how spiritual and incredible it was. “Totes babes”.

She silently judges how her tea was brewed while continuing, “on day two we have a yogz sesh near an active Volcano, it will be like totally energising babes”. The pair looks at each other with the kind of self-satisfaction you can only see on Tony Abbott’s face when a female comedian accidentally menstruates and simultaneously bombs on stage.

A month later Stef and her BFF are $2000 lighter and sitting around in batik fisherman pants, various beads and noticeably dirty feet from their refusal to ruin their cultural experience with a pair of thongs. During their yoga session, a dreadlocked moon-unit who went too hard on the nasi goreng in Jakarta leaks out a volcanic eruption of his own. The outdoor meditation zone is filled with the kind of stench you can only experience from a Rottnest toilet after a hard night on the piss. Vile.

After only 24 hours Stef breaks her promise not to use social media. She uploads a photo of her best yoga pose on the backdrop of a Balinese sunset, “Zen #FromWhereYou’dRatherBe #Believe #Ubud #Yoga”. The upload sends a shiver up the spines of everyone who has endured her “I don’t go to Kuta anymore, so I am a better traveller than you” rants at parties when she has over refreshed on the old Jacobs Creek. All that culture leaves the bank balance as dry as the war crime of a chardonnay she’s drinking.

Stef is now leaving Bali and needs to update her social media flock, “7 amazing days, I am feeling so refreshed #TakeMeBack #SoulTravelling #Yoga”. God help us when she saves up enough coin for an Indian yoga retreat…

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