Ms Coles’ Stikeez Range

Unsatisfied with merely hastening the decay of modern civility with the miniatures range, Coles launched another attack on the foundations of humanity: the Stikeez range.

Keryn knows that the colourful Coles’ butt-plugs weren’t merely sea turtle lozenges, they were big business for savvy mummy-preneurs. In fact, she made $200 on the previous mini range after pressuring her sister in law to buy her incomplete set – the transaction went through and she gave her kid’s wheelchair back, not that fucking hard was it Danielle?

Sure, when you run the numbers, spending $1800 on Steggles ovenable products to recoup $200 doesn’t seem like “good business”, but that doesn’t stop Keryn feeling pretty darn smug about herself. She was Mumblo Escobar, the head of the lactating cartel, and playtime was over.

It wasn’t all going to be staunching checkout staff and bullying breeders in FB groups this time. Of course, there was going to be all that, but this time, she wasn’t after a complete set, she was after the coveted gold Billy Banana.

For the uninitiated, Coles released only 100 of the rare items, and they were the golden ticket to willy wanka’s money factory – up to $20,000 in fact if eBay bids are to be believed. Keryn laid awake at night masturbating to the suburban fantasy of a second hand Rav 4 and a Bali themed backyard makeover.

After weeks of aggressive shops, her credit card had declined as fast as her morale. So, she did what any normal human being would do and bought a jar of gold paint and entered the exciting world of counterfeit sales.

Her artwork was sloppy, to say the least as if Art Attack’s Neil Buchanan had attempted his mural after a 2-day acid binge. So like a real piece of shit, Keryn uses a picture of a real gold Billy Banana in her ad with the very competitive price of $1000 (+$100 p&h).

She lands a pensioner who wants it for her granddaughter. Is Keryn really going to defraud a pensioner? You bet your ¾ Capri shorts she is. She mails the worthless toy and accepts payment. What a rush, this was better than pretending her Dome Cafe Eggs benny was cold for a ½ price refund. This was fucking living.

She attempts the swindle again, but this time the buyer asks for a certificate of authenticity. Keryn is quickly outed as a scammer and is banished from her beloved FB community kingdom. No one ever said you were going to make friends building a $1,100 Stikeez empire, on’ya Keryn.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?