Ms Female Only Pedestrian Lights

For decades, women all over Australia have suffered under the unbearable weight of pedestrian light oppression. If only society could rid itself of those biologically void stick figures in the hope that women could finally cross the road as free-folk. 

In a desperate bid, the virtue cave of Melbourne shone a mighty signal out across the land, looking for a hero. It wasn’t long before Rebecca stepped forward, an inner city feminist suffering from 3rd-degree Melbournitis who donned the cape of inconsequence, cracked her fingers and told her friend to “hold my chai & turmeric soyacino”. Watch this.

She drafts a letter to her local council pleading with them to strike at the heart of gender inequality and put a skirt on all pedestrian crossing stick figures. Mother of God, the Council gets a mighty slacktivist she-stiffy. They had stumbled upon the perfect tokenistic gesture. 

A woman on the Council had her reservations, however, “in terms of improving gender equality this seems a bit shallow, maybe we could divert the funds towards crisis centres?” The Council’s eyes roll back like Whitney in a bathtub, “D.V and addiction don’t trend sweetie, we are doing a little thing called raising awareness here, maybe you’ve heard of it?”

Of course, bold tokenistic gestures will always trump boring administrative decisions. So the project is she-greenlit. Rebecca is chuffed and can’t wait for the idea to be implemented and go down in the annals of history as a “get to the back of the tram” moment. 

To her horror, the comments on the news articles were not particularly glowing. In fact, it had managed to unite the woman-hating incels of Reddit with the hard-working feminists in women’s services. This idea wasn’t just cooked it was totally Gordon Ramsay kitchen nightmare’d. 

She posts a lengthy status defending the initiative stating that it was unfair men were so overrepresented in the pedestrian stick figure crossing sector. Her status is met with a virtual requiem from the facepalm choir of the internet.

Why “waste money on assigning a stick figure a gender?” Wasn’t the idea that all women wear skirts a “dated stereotype”? “Can’t yous woman jus like fark of ayy?” Some arguments were more eloquent than others truth be told. 

Undefiant, Rebecca continues to argue intensely about the proposal at all social outings and proudly flies the flag of a generation that managed to get offended by a stick figure that serves the primary purpose of being ignored by the bulk of pedestrians.

Never before, have so few, dedicated so many taxpayer dollars to achieving so little.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?