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Ms FIFO

Sez stands as a shining oasis in the harsh Pilbara grind. A truly alluring sight for miners who haven’t used their power tools in a while. She’s a hard-drinking, hard smoking, independent gal up to make a buck. No matter how she does it.

She may live in Perth but she is a fair dinkum Pilbara Princess that scrubs a mean dunny while doing serious daily damage to packs of Winnie Reds. See that babe in the wet hall drinking TEDs and burping? She’ll join ya in your donga for $50 worth of piss and a promise that you’ll get her trained up in dump trucking away.

“I’ll be driving me dump truck in a coupla ay, takes a real woman to drive a dump truck mate”, Sez wheezes at some 19-year-old cleaner. Sez looks at the fresh-faced girl up and down, “you just watch it, all the blokes already think you’re up for it, ay, way you carry on”.

Deep down, Sez is fuming with jealous rage, how dare this little teen come up to her stomping grounds and steal the thunder from her tramp-stamped muffin top.

It’s fly out day and Sez struts out of her donga like she just had her super pit excavated, “youse carnts will have to fling yoghurt while smelling another chick’s Hi-Vis, I’m off to Perth”. The comment is enough to deactivate a warehouse full of blue pills.

The lingering funk of cigarettes remains on her clothes as she flies back to Perth to be reunited with her purple Holden SS ute with personalised number plates, “FIFOBISH”.

Sez is noticeably irritated that the men at the Empire Bar aren’t looking at her in a “doink me in ya donga” kinda way. She squawks at her non-FIFO friends, “it’s fully tough being a gal up North, so many young sluzzas thinking they’re all that ay”.

What she means are too many younger girls who are willing to refine a big load of ore for fewer drinks. Mining is all about minimising cost after all.

Sez sits in front of her plasma TV and starts filling out her worker’s compensation forms in pure, liquid bull shit. A “severe wrist condition” caused by her “rigorous cleaning”, it’ll have her on light duties for at least 2 months if she can get a doctor to sign off.

Of course, light duties for her causes a heavy duty effect on your ears. As everyone she works with will be hearing about how heroic she is for soldiering through her fictitious injuries

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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