Lara’s Lululemon clad body is a succulent shrine to healthy living. Her spectacular rack and arse are a two-for-one McFuck Yeh meal with extra cheese, except you don’t have a coupon, you carb scoffing walrus-cunt. Lara is so fine that she may as well be your second cousin, you can look but don’t even try. Coconut buttered perfection, except for the dick-softening cringe-worthiness of her favourite hobby: posting photos of her meals to social media. Christ almighty.

After her rigorous Crossfit session Lara hits the Subiaco Markets. The mark of a true feed-snapping scrote is the painful foreplay of the well-documented forage. She poses with a photo of an avocado, some mushrooms and a carton of organic eggs, “so fresh bish #FarmersMarket #LoveFreshProduce #CleanLiving #Paleo #Forage #WorkoutFeed”. Thanks, Lara, it’s important to educate those who prefer #RottenProduce or #SlightlyOldShit.

Back at her Claremont unit, Lara begins the task of preparing her feed. After 45 minutes of cooking and a further 15 minutes of painstaking plating up, she is ready to shoot a load of smug into your face, “post-workout non-fry-up, a slice of homemade paleo bread, poached egg, grilled bacon, roasted mushrooms and half an avocado 😛 #gym #healthy #avocado #protein #paleobread #poachedeggs #cleanliving #food #believe”. Ah paleo, if you take dietary advice from cavemen and human botox penis-pump Pete Evans, then you might just be a thicko #believeDAT.

Hours pass before Lara is ready for her next photo-shoot. It ’s, and she is meeting her buff bae at Bib & Tucker for a healthy lunch. She decides instantly on the Ancient Grain Salad: precisely what a knuckle-dragger would dine on, right! She ignores her Chesty Bond’s dining partner as she pulls out her iPhone to take the perfect picture of her salad.

Oh, the quinoa grains are glowing, and the pearl barley is looking positively pretentious. SNAP, “healthy eating with bae at Bib & Tucker #quinoa #clean #PearlBarley #paleo #lunch”. Oh pack it in Lara, why don’t you just hashtag what you really want to say, “#IamBetterThanYou #YouEatGarbage #Foodie”.

On the way home, Lara feels naughty and makes Bondi Vet pull into a servo for a couple of Magnums. She chooses just the right filter and snaps a photo of her mass-produced ice-cream, “girls gotta treat herself #Naughty #CheatDay #Fatty”. Serve up a big plate of humility and pair with a big glass of fuck off Lara.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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